Why People Like Me Commit Suicide

A few days ago I received the message below from a former NCO.  I had no idea the impact I had in his life simply by being there for him when he needed it.  I am sharing this with his permission…

My name is Steve Meyers and I would like to start a discussion about, why people like me commit suicide. You see, I am a combat veteran with PTSD. I am no longer close with my family and I don’t have a lot of friends. Which means, I have almost nobody to talk to.

I have been depressed more than once in my life. Each time, it gets harder to pull myself out of it. When you are depressed it is easy to think nobody cares, maybe nobody would notice you were gone, and the worst, maybe they are better off without me. Those are the thoughts that hurt the most and they kill people like me. I wanted to talk about that. The number one reason people like me commit suicide, is relationships or more specifically their lack of relationships.

People like to think the loss of a single relationship is the reason someone commits suicide. No, it was just the last relationship that was worth living for. We rarely like to ask, what happened to all of the other deep and meaningful relationships? We know the answer. We neglected them and we let the relationship die.

We didn’t do it all at once. It wasn’t an immediate break-up. It happened slowly over time. It starts when you are away from each other. You see the other person less, so you talk with them less. As the amount of interaction time decreases, so does the number of things you share. Which means you have less of those bonding moments. Those shared experiences and the things that kept you emotionally close. This is how you grow apart.

When I was living in Germany, nobody told me my grandmother had died. They all thought someone else had told me. I found out she was gone when I was home on leave after I said I was going to go visit her. Finding out that way, meant I was forced to grieve all on my own, at a memorial attended by only one person, me.

Over time, the emotional distance with my family has increased. We have less frequent deep and meaningful conversations. So, I want people to learn from my story. I want everyone to know the secret to maintaining a close relationship is just staying in regular contact. When you stay in regular contact you have more opportunities to share, to have those shared experiences with each other. The ability to confide in one another and to know what’s going on. If you find yourself going down the lonely path of isolation, and you want to revitalize those dying relationships, you need to be in regular contact.

People in general tend to trust people with what they think those people can handle. So, if I can trust you with a small secret, there is a chance I can trust you with a medium- sized secret. However, if I cannot trust you with a medium-sized secret, then I definitely will not tell you about the big secrets.

This is why most people self-censor while serving in a combat zone. I did it and now, I am paying the cost of my actions. I thought I was protecting my family by not telling them I was doing dangerous missions. I knew they would have a hard time knowing I was in mortal danger on a regular basis. So, I didn’t tell them. I pretended everything was okay. Now, I can’t talk to them about things like that. If you are not going to trust them with small pieces of bad news, you will never feel okay with trusting them with the stuff of your nightmares.

I was raised by a single mother. I grew up on welfare and lived in subsidized low- income housing. My mom worries about the family every day. I have seen her blank stare while she spins the ring on her finger. While she runs through all of the terrible scenarios in her head. I have seen her become racked with anxiety over bad news. Which is why I do not talk to her about the really bad things. I don’t know if she can handle it.

I got to know my father when I was in high school. I love my dad even though him and I have never really been close. He has always been a sensitive person, who tends to insulate himself from others. It is how he protects himself. Half of the time when I call he chooses to let the phone ring. When I manage to get him on the phone he almost always says he is in the middle of something and I get the impression he wants to end the call quickly. We don’t talk about the really bad stuff.

I am the eldest of 5. When I left home at age 20 I told myself that I was going to help my family escape poverty. I was going to learn how to be successful and come home and teach my family how to become successful. Over the last 20+ years my siblings and I invested very little time into our relationship and we have grown apart. Today, I am now little more than a stranger to them. I have reached out to them several times in hopes of rebuilding a relationship, but my reality today is so different than theirs. So, our conversations are awkward. Sometimes I think I should just quit trying.

I was really close with my uncle and used to seek his opinion on most things. He was the executor of my estate. He was one of the few people I trusted with the full truth. Last year his wife posted something on Facebook and I called her out for it. Now, him and I only seem to talk when she is not around.

Last week I was in Washington staying in someone’s guest room. My girlfriend was sleeping on the air mattress next to me. I cried for over an hour, until I finally fell asleep. It took me a week to tell her why, and I took a big risk telling her. You see, when a man is vulnerable and weak around a woman, she loses respect for him. Women that lose respect for their man leave. They leave. I really don’t want to be more isolated that I already am, but I need to talk to someone. So, I took the risk.

Opening up to people about PTSD is a very scary thing because it has such a harsh stigma. People automatically think you are a mad man, forever damaged, and a danger to society. They make fear-based decisions that change almost everything about how they interact with you, and you can tell.

When I was going through something emotionally heavy while in the military, my Army buddies were there for me. Now, that I am out of the military they are still the ones I can turn to them for things I cannot go to anyone else for. There is a reason why I can pick up the phone and talk with them and it will seem as if we were never far apart. There is a reason why it hits us so hard when we hear they died. It hurts even more when it was by their own hands. The reason is simple, we are a lot alike and if it can happen to them, it can happen to me.

Before you get too excited, I am not suicidal and I have no intention of harming myself, but there was a time after my wife died when I had plans to kill myself. Which is why I would like to publicly thank Louis Fernandez for being there when I was struggling to find a reason to live.

I have seen a lot of Facebook posts where people will say “call me if you need anything”. I would like them to stop. It’s a hollow phrase meant to ease your own personal guilt. If someone you care about needs help. Help them. Don’t wait for them to ask for help. Imagine you see someone hanging from the edge of a cliff. You don’t tell them to reach up and grab your hand. No. It’s too risky. There is a high likelihood they will fall. You reach down, grab them, and pull them up. You have to take action. That’s how you save them. Telling someone a hollow phrase doesn’t help. Stop doing it. Get involved.

If the things in this message resonate with you, join the discussion. Online comments and shares help to spread the message, but the offline conversations are what we really need. If you need to start it by sending a meme, a text message, or even a post card. Do it. Talk to them. Have those conversations. More than 20 veterans a day commit suicide. Just talk with them, it really is that simple. Just talk with them. That’s how you stop suicides.

I’d like to publicly thank Steve for his courage in posting this message.

-LJF

 

For more information on transition, get the highly rated book on Amazon:

How to lead Millenials

How to lead millennials

Since I left the military, every organization I’ve worked for has found a way to bag on the millennial generation. It’s moved from fad to requirement.

“Millennials are entitled”

“They need safe-spaces”

“They’re lazy, and don’t know what hard work even is!”

“They expect instant gratification.”

“They expect something for nothing”

“They need constant affirmation”

“This is the generation of participation trophies”

I have to admit, I’ve even gotten caught up in the hype a time or two. Let me take a moment, however, and offer you a different perspective on millennials

That is section 60 in Arlington cemetery. These are the brave men and women that most recently died in service of our nation.  Millennials make up almost 75% of those currently in uniform.  What’s particularly notable about this group is that most of them joined the military knowing that they would be heading off to war.  It wasn’t some far off possibility like many who joined before September 11th, it was a factual certainty when they walked into the recruiter’s office, that within their time in service, they would be heading to combat…and they joined anyway.

That takes some serious bravery and my hat is off to every single one of them.

That being said, I’m certain that every generation has had people like this. Every generation has had warriors and entrepreneurs, rich and poor, entitled and humble, brave and cowardly.  Every generation is made up of people, and people come in all forms.  Pick up a Bible and in it you’ll see even 1st century Jews struggling with these same challenges (the Pharisees were particularly peeved at this new generation of Jews).

I have been in leadership positions for nearly two decades. Consistently my teams perform above expectations and are eager to take on greater challenges.  I have led people born in the 1950’s to people born in the 1990’s, and I have never adjusted my leadership style according to the date that someone was born.  Never.

Managers that want to blame their leadership failures on generational differences are allowing themselves to use this excuse instead of examining their own shortfalls. Great leaders take an internal look and determine how they can best lead individuals in their teams, not generations.  Great leadership transcends generations, personality tests, and even cultures.

There are no shortcuts to great leadership. If you’re struggling with retention, productivity, employee engagement, and remaining competitive in the marketplace, it isn’t because of generational differences, it’s because of poor leadership.  If that makes you angry and defensive, if you’re reading this coming up with a litany of reasons why you and your company are struggling with the aforementioned and none of the reasons is YOU, then I have some bad news…

If instead you’re willing to take a look internally, and you want to learn more about how to become an inspirational and outstanding leader then you need to subscribe. There is much more to come on this subject.

-LJF

 

For more information on transition, get the highly rated book on Amazon:

Finding Purpose after transition

Far too few people are talking about  finding your purpose after you get out. This is probably the biggest challenge you will face, and it’s largely ignored in transition advice.  When you wore the uniform, you were a part of something bigger than yourself.  You wore the flag, defended the constitution, belonged to a unit with history, medals, and tradition.  If you failed to do your job, people died, the war was lost, the great experiment that is the USA itself is at risk.

But now?  Now what?

Now you make widgets, and seriously, who gives a damn if they don’t get made?
sad homer simpson GIF

You didn’t join the military because of money, and money has never been a great motivator.  You look around at civilians that are motivated by money and pity them.  They have never been a part of something like you.  They value their jobs as if customers not getting their widgets in time is really of any consequence whatsoever.  You’ve seen death.  You’ve seen children starving and abused.  You’ve seen any number of horrible things, and you know these widgets don’t matter.  So what is the point of it all?

This is the realization so many veterans face, often years after they get out.  When they are no longer surrounded by the veteran community.  When they no longer talk to their army buddies every day.  They lose hope, meaning, and purpose, then they make a fateful decision.

This is why I am speaking up, because this isn’t a fucking game.   Because transition doesn’t end the day you get a damn job, it’s only just starting.  Because three years after you get out, you’ll be sitting at a fireworks show and all of a sudden your heart will start racing and you’ll have a hard time sleeping that night for the first time.  Because four years after you get out, you’ll get a call that one of your friends was killed and you’ll have to get up the next day with a smile on your face and pretend nothing happened because you’re meeting with customers and trying to make a sale.  Because seven years after you get out, you’re going to wonder what the hell you’re doing with your life and what actually matters to you.  Because your transition goes on long after you get out, because you’re not learning to be a civilian, you’re learning to live in the civilian world; there’s a difference.

Deciding Where to Step Next?

If you want to avoid this pothole, you need to find something that is going to give you meaning and purpose above yourself.  I don’t know what will work for you, but here’s what works for me:

First it’s my family.  My three kids and my wife are my life.  If you read the book, that will be abundantly clear, I spend half of it talking about my life as a family man.

Next it’s you, the reader of this very article.  I have lost too many friends to the demons in their minds, and I felt compelled to do something.  CONUS Battle Drills is fun, funny, entertaining, but also raw, honest, and in your face.  Why?  Because that was exactly what my life as an infantryman in the 82nd was like.  If in all my ramblings, I can help someone turn things around, then I have made a difference in this world, and that means something.

Third it’s my church and charity.  I know, I cuss way too much, but Jesus loves me anyway.  Giving my time and money to those who need it has allowed me to feel that sense of gravity and import that wearing a uniform did.  I have never felt so much joy with my money as when I have given it generously.

So what will it be for you?  Are you going to start your own business?  Volunteer your time? Write poetry?  Make music?  Give your money?  Do something that matters, that’s bigger than yourself, you need it!

-LJF

 

For more information on transition, get the highly rated book on Amazon:

All These Transition Experts, So Little Expertise

The beauty of the internet and social media is that it has given us a medium to connect millions of people instantly, where all our voices can be heard.  We freely share our experiences and knowledge with each other and even though we’re strangers, we connect and learn from each other.  The problem for the transitioning veteran is identifying what’s good or bad advise for leaving the service. Often times the worst offenders for giving out bad advice are the well-meaning veterans who are self-proclaimed experts that start dangerously doling out advice on things they know very little about.

We’ve noticed a trend, particularly on LinkedIn, where there are thousands of transition experts all giving advice on how to navigate the difficult process.  Some give good advice having been out of the military for a while, learned the ropes of civilian life and offer their transitional experience for the betterment of their fellow veterans.  Then there are those who more often that not miss the target of offering value-adding information. Let’s just put them in categories:

  • The veterans who retired and immediately went to work for the government
  • The veteran who got out of the military 6 days ago, but because he found a job, now he thinks he knows how to “successfully transition”
  • The veteran who sees transition advice as a ticket to making a lot of money
  • The veteran who wants to be a motivational speaker and tells you “everything is awesome!”

 

The Lack of Experience & Expertise

There is a well-known pillar of how wisdom is accumulated known as the DIKW pyramid. Wisdom is achieved by first collecting data, turning it into bits of information, then compiling it into knowledge. Enough knowledge produces wisdom. Reaching the wisdom phase is not something you can take a course on and POOF, you’re certified; you have to EARN it.  Veterans who lack the time commitments necessary to develop experience and expertise in the civilian world, also lack the qualifications of claiming to be competent sources of knowledge and wisdom for other transitioning veterans.  Basically, they don’t know enough to give you advice.

Transitioning out of the service isn’t easy; it is a never ending process and a constant review of your adjustment in the non-military world. Though it’s not easy, it doesn’t have to be hard.  Lots of folks out there think that civilian hiring managers are dying to hire veterans. With all those organizations out there and transitions assistance resources available, it appears as if there are thousands and thousands of jobs JUST FOR YOU!

Yeah…that’s all bull.

It’s a great marketing technique for a company to say they’re going to hire a thousand veterans. What they’re actually doing is looking for veterans with a few years of civilian experience that served four years in the early 2000’s; not a newly minted veteran who just left the military this morning and is firmly wrapping themselves up in their DD-214 blanket.

Why?

Because the veteran getting out today doesn’t know anything about business. From a hiring managers perspective a veteran doesn’t understand my business, my customers, my product, how to make my product, how to sell my product, my organizational structure, etc.

To put it a different way.  Imagine you had a CEO of some company who decide to join the military. They have no military experience; they’ve never even fired a gun. They were in charge of a multi-million dollar company though.  Would you put that person in charge of a brigade of paratroopers in Afghanistan or, a Regiment of Marines or, a fleet of Navy ships?  HELL NO!  No way whatsoever!  Why?  This CEO obviously has great leadership; they were in charge of an entire commercial business company.  Yeah, but he knows fuck-all about combat and he’s going to get people killed.  Best I’d do is make him a low level Captain working for a seasoned staff officer in the command center so he can learn how we fight. This is exactly the type of job you’re going to get when you transition away from uniformed service and that’s a BEST case scenario.

Unfortunately there are assholes that don’t know any better (or realize it but don’t care) and are feeding inexperienced veterans bad information about how to step right into an executive or managerial leadership role. Or worse, the inexperienced “transition assistant” stepped into a company as an “executive” who’s sole purpose is to help other veterans find jobs. The funny but sad thing is Duffel Blog made a satire story about this very phenomenon. These transition assistants purport to know all the answers, have all the inside hiring scoops and, know the path veterans should take to transition successfully into corporate America.

Comforting Lies

Those people outlined above won’t tell you any of this.  They don’t have the experience to know right from wrong. They haven’t actually been promoted in the civilian world. They don’t understand how civilian hiring managers make decisions because they’ve never been one or around one. They’ve never had to justify the additional headcount of another employee. They’ve never done an analysis on the cost of adding a person and the added revenue that person will bring in; whether it is sustainable for the long term because you don’t want to have to fire them 6 months from now. They simply don’t know.

Comforting lies are…well…comforting. Yelling “everything is awesome!” is disingenuous at best, dangerous at worst.

Besides that, getting a job is only the very FIRST step.   Did you know that 44% of veterans leave their first job in the first year?  Did you know that number jumps to 65% by year two?  Why do you think that is?  It happens partly because they haven’t been told what corporate life is like.  No one told them to consider corporate cultures.  No one told them to consider the product, the environment, their own personal desires, where they wanted to live, what is important to their family, what kind of work life balance they are looking for, why they got out and how this job works into that plan, I can go on – I wrote an entire book on the subject and regularly post here about it.  Finding the right fitting job is more important that just finding any job.

Did you know that veteran suicide rates for GWOT veterans are highest in the first 3 years after they get out?

Are you starting to see the picture yet?

Veterans are getting out, hate their jobs,  get in financial trouble, which results in marriage trouble, which leads to substance abuse, and that to suicide.  I’ve talked about this plenty with “break the chain“, and it’s the whole reason I started CONUS Battle Drills.

It does no one any good to talk about finding a job and calling that “transition”.  The equivalent would be to give someone “marriage advice” but only talk about how to plan a wedding.  Then some asshole gets up and starts talking about how you too can have a successful marriage the day he gets back from his honeymoon.  The wedding (or job hunt) is the easiest part of the whole ordeal, but 90% of the “transition” advice I see out there focuses on this small element of transition.  Don’t get me wrong, finding a job is critical, and there are plenty of organizations out there to help you do that, but it is NOT transition.

 

A Successful Transition…..?

This article is more about helping you, the veteran, identify potential pitfalls in your journey of moving into the civilian sector – your transition.

SO…how does a veteran judge themselves as having successfully transitioned? Is there a manual that has standard metrics, benchmarks or specific goals to achieve? One veteran’s perspective of success is wildly different from another. Some veterans want to get out and land a federal job while others want to be managers and executives in corporate America, still others want to work in civil service (police, fireman, teachers, etc.). Some just want to get out and hang out on camp couch under the 1st parents division for a while – however we highly advise that this not be your definition of success. Success is ultimately measured by the individual, not by other veterans or transition assistance “experts” metrics of success. There is no such thing a “successful” transition because success is measured differently from one person to the next.

Furthermore, a veteran never transitions out of the military, they learn how to meld their military and civilian lives together. NOBODY, not even the veteran themselves can ignore their military past. A transition by definition is process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another. A veteran isn’t changing from military to civilian; they blend and harmonize the two.

As noted earlier, it is a never ending process and a constant review of your adjustment in the non-military world. The question you should always be asking yourself is “How am I leveraging my experiences in the military to advance my post-military journey.” There is a process that business’ across the spectrum use to analyze themselves to plot their grow – it’s called the Deming Cycle.

  • Plan: Forward moving steps to include points of reference to measure your success (i.e completing a class, earning a degree, getting hired, getting a promotion, etc.) – be it short term, long term, or some where in the middle
  • Do: Implement the plan you developed
  • Check: The progress of your plan to see if your meeting the measurement points – it’s alright if you fall short; the key is you made some goals to achieve.
  • Act: On the review of the plan, identify what went well and what didn’t and, take the lessons learned back into the planning phase.

This cycle is a never ending, always repeating process of improvement. Some times the iteration is short and sometimes it is long. Either way the idea is to make goals and points of reference to measure yourself by so that you can adjust and steer your own personal ship (i.e your post-military journey).

I say again, Transition isn’t easy, but it doesn’t have to be hard.  Don’t fool yourself into thinking that it’s over once you get a job.

Finally, for those of you struggling out there: you’re not alone.  The majority of veterans have gone through this as well.  You can do this.

-LJF & BY

 

For more information on transition, get the highly rated book on Amazon: