Category: Mental Strength

Shoot Him

After about the first six seconds of a real firefight, all you can hear is a loud ringing in your ear that pings to a higher painful pitch with each trigger pull and nearby explosion.  So you yell and communicate with hand arm signals basically.

“Shoot him.”

Two men died at that order and pandemonium ensued.  We found ourselves quickly surrounded and outnumbered and within the first few minutes, as the accuracy and volume of fire increased and our radio communications died, I realized that we needed to get out.  I gave the order to break contact and the battle drill began.

At one point I looked to my left and noticed a pizza hat pop up over the mountain less than 25 meters away.

 

The enemy soldier was behind and above my fire team, in an excellent position to shoot every one of them.  I raised my weapon and fired.  The first round popped some rocks in front of him, the second was closer to being on target.  As he flinched and looked up, he noticed me.  I could see the fear in his eyes as I let rounds three and four fly while improving my standing firing position.  He took off in a sprint and I continued firing, leading him just slightly.  Somewhere between rounds 8-12 he abruptly dropped back below the mountaintop.

No thanks to my terrible accuracy under fire, Intelligence told us we killed 9 men that day.  I had watched the first two go down, and i’m pretty sure a couple others took a LAW rocket to the face, but i’m not sure whether Mr. Pizza Hat was one of them.

What Should I Feel?

I’ve heard so many people say that taking a life isn’t easy, but I really never thought it was that hard.  Combat was surreal to me.  I remember looking into the lifeless eyes of a man missing half his skull and it felt like a movie.  I never watched a man die at my hands, except maybe Mr. Pizza Hat, but I did watch men die, and the part that bothers me most is how little I feel.

I was doing a job, and they were trying to kill me.  Their fatal flaw was being less prepared than I was.  I don’t hate them for what they did; many surely believed in their cause as I believed in mine.  I don’t pity them either, they picked  a fight and lost.  I don’t mourn their death, although i’m sure someone loved them, we all know the risks of that lifestyle.  Most strangely it seems, however, I don’t feel guilt for what I did either.  I really don’t feel strongly about it at all.  I’m not sad, angry, or even happy; I’m indifferent.

Not wanting to talk about it

This post has sat in my queue in “drafts” for weeks because it sounds so damn crazy.  Society and all those who don’t experience combat tell us we should feel something.  We are bombarded with movies, images, and articles telling us how we should feel. It’s as if they think i’m afraid of reliving things I’ve seen.

No. I’m not afraid.

I’m cautious because I know what I’m capable of. I know how easy it is to snuff out a life, and that gives me more respect for the fragility of existence.

Death is easy, living is hard. Don’t quit.

-LJF

Getting out of the military is hard!  Don’t make it harder on yourself by not being prepared!  Buy CONUS Battle Drills:  A Guide for Combat Veterans to Corporate Life, Parenthood, and Caging the Beast Inside!

The Dark Night of the Soul- Part 1

This is the first part of two-part postings on suicide. The first part deals with a general introduction to the problem and the concept of risk and protective factors. The second part will address more intrapersonal, individual factors and possible options to find hope and relief. However, it is important to keep in mind this is a very complex subject that resists any attempt to quick fixes or easy solutions. We humbly approach this deadly subject with hopes at understanding it better and hopefully finding possible solutions.

The man in front of me was looking distressed and his words were coming out with great difficulty. He was a platoon SGT, with multiple combat deployments, and currently having problems with chronic pain, poor sleep, and depression. As we discussed his background and his military experience, something seemed not right. As we progressed in our interview, I asked him if something had occurred recently. He looked up to me and said, “Yesterday I found out one of my guys from my platoon in Afghanistan committed suicide, he was like a son to me”

For those of us in the military, these are sadly, common occurrences. We all know somebody or know of somebody, who has taken his life. The news is devastating. These men have been in combat, shared great dangers and adversities, and through it all, they survived and came home only to end their lives at their own hands.  We feel sad, powerless, angry, and we ask ourselves why?

It may be surprising to some, but there was a time in the past that suicide in the military was much lower (20% and more in some cases) than in the civilian population; in fact, being in the military used to be a protective factor. However, all of that began to change around 2004, and suicide rates have continued to rise and maintain at levels much higher that our civilians counterparts. By 2012, when we were still significantly involved in combat operations, more soldiers died by suicide than those killed in action, a very sobering fact. It does not take a genius to see that the rise in suicide rates corresponded to the onset of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars our longest wars to date. Yet, the statistical link between deployments and suicide is at best weak or non-existent, a fact that adds complexity to this issue.

There are hundreds of studies and millions of dollars spent in trying to find a solution, or even an understanding to this perplexing problem. One factor however, which seems significant is that suicide rates are much higher for those who separate early from the military or separate under less than honorable conditions. This fact alone, underlines the importance of transition issues, of losing connection with our brothers in arms, and of finding oneself lost in a world we do not seem to fit in very well and we do not seem to be well equipped to survive and thrive.

A significant line of research, mostly based on statistical and epidemiological studies of suicide populations, focuses on risk and protective factors; that is, what are the factors or elements that render a person more vulnerable or likely to commit suicide versus the factors that tend to protect the person from it. While this research is helpful and promising in many respects, if fails in two fundamental aspects. The first one is clearly linked to the weakness of correlational studies; that an association exist between to variables, does not implies causation, it only suggests a relationship ( that a rooster crows at sunrise does not mean that the sun makes the rooster crows).  The second one is similar, that while a set of factors may predict a likely behavior from a member of a given population, it can’t never predict the behavior of a specific member of that population. For example, risk factors may tell us that soldiers who display those factors have a higher likelihood to hurt themselves, but it cannot tell us that a specific soldier, SGT Smith will do so.

Nevertheless, risk and protective factors are place to start in helping us think more concretely about suicide and in ways to prevent it from occurring.  Here is a short list of those factors.

Risk and Protective Factors

 

Risk Factors    Protective  Factors
 

Mental disorders

Prior history of suicidal behavior

Personality Disorders

Personality Traits (anger, impulsivity)

Hopelessness

Substance Use

Stressful life events (loss of job, partner)

Lack of Social Support

Single/divorced

Cognitive Problems

Chronic illnesses (Pain, TBI, etc)

Demographics (white, male )

Access to lethal means

Family history of mental illness

History of childhood abuse/neglect

 

 Social Support

Being Married

Religious affiliation

Character strengths

Life Satisfaction

Positive mood

Hope

Self-esteem

Meaning and purpose

Coping ability

Adaptability

Meaningfully employed.

Life goals

 

A quick look at this list may suggest some possible ways to minimize risk. Some factors are of course, impervious to change; we can’t alter our race and gender neither can we alter our lives’ histories. Who we are biologically, and what has happened to us, is determined and unchangeable. On the other hand, there are many factors we can change or modify which may enhance and enrich our lives and in doing so, protect us from self-destruction. Maintaining a sense of connection and belongings, fostering primary relationships, returning or coming to Faith, seeking professional help, taking care of our basic needs (employment, housing, etc) and developing life goals and purpose may be a place to start. There are no easy solutions, and even those actions we could take may not be completely under out control. Even our willingness, disposition and desire may be lacking. However, it is not the size of the problem, but the strength of our character that will carry the day; we need to believe that and commit ourselves to that ideal.

SPARTAN

 

 


Getting out of the military is hard!  Don’t make it harder on yourself by not being prepared!  Buy CONUS Battle Drills:  A Guide for Combat Veterans to Corporate Life, Parenthood, and Caging the Beast Inside!

What it’s like to be Wealthy

I don’t generally follow the lives of celebrities, but the death of Prince has flooded my Facebook news feed, and as I read through articles about his life and untimely death, I actually felt sorry for him.  These celebrities are surrounded by vultures and parasites masquerading as friends. They fill their mansions with strange acquaintances and try to satiate the void in their lives with sex and drugs to no avail.  Saturday night, as I laid on my couch, I had an epiphany:  I am a very wealthy man.

I woke up Saturday with a daunting task.  We recently moved to be closer to my work, and we have a large storage unit that had to be emptied.  I rented a 16′ Budget truck and drove 50 miles to the storage.  On my way I got a call from a friend who recently returned from deployment.  We talked for almost the entire drive, about his deployment, our kids, and even about CONUS Battle Drills.

When I got to the storage unit, I posted a pic on Facebook and asked if anyone in the Fort Bragg area could come and help.  Within 3 minutes of the post, and old college buddy of mine asked for the address and drove 30 minutes out of his way to help.  A few hours later when we had the van loaded up, he volunteered to drive 90 minutes out of his way to help me unload as well.  When we were done, we sat in my garage and drank a beer to celebrate the task being complete.

Not long after that, I messaged a buddy of mine from Iraq.  He’s going through a tough divorce and I wanted to check up on him.  My heart broke for him and everything he’s going through.  I said a prayer and returned the rental truck.

It was right around dinner time when I got a phone call from my first platoon sergeant back when I was a cherry 2LT in the 82nd Airborne.  He wanted to tell me that he was going to be a Command Sergeant Major for the 10th mountain!  My whole family celebrated with him over the phone.

After dinner I laid on the couch while my three kids piled on top of me to watch some cartoons before their bath time.  It was there, in one of the most precious of moments holding my kids, that I realized just how wealthy I really am.

I don’t own a multi-million dollar mansion.  I don’t have an expensive car.  I don’t own a yacht, and I live on a budget.  I don’t have a lot of “stuff”, but I am incredibly wealthy.

I am friends with some of the greatest men this country has ever produced.  Warriors, real heroes, men whom books are written about, and they call me to celebrate and mourn?  I am undeserving of such an honor.  I am undeserving of so many blessings God has chosen to bestow upon me, but I am ever so grateful to Him.

Are you living your life like a celebrity?  Moving from one shallow relationship to another, filling your life with strip clubs and alcohol?  Because let me tell you something, if you have served this country, then you have walked among giants, and those men call you brother.  You have great wealth at your fingertips, if you’re ready to recognize it.

-LJF

Getting out of the military is hard!  Don’t make it harder on yourself by not being prepared!  Buy CONUS Battle Drills:  A Guide for Combat Veterans to Corporate Life, Parenthood, and Caging the Beast Inside!

A Psychologist’s Perspective

Today we welcome another contributor to CONUS Battle Drills: Spartan.  As a young man he joined the US Army and was an 82nd Airborne medic.  He left the military and got a doctorate in psychology then practiced as a naval officer for over 20 years before retiring.  He’s been in special operations and worked on several secret squirrel programs.  In order to protect his family, his patients, and his current job, his identity will remain a secret for now.

A Psychologist’s Turn

They will beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks (Isaiah 2:4)

…For I will turn their mourning into joy, and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow (Jeremiah 31:13).

While these verses refer to a time in the future when God will turn our sadness into joy and Peace will reign on earth, for many of us, as we transition out of the military, this can become our hope as well as our challenge.

As we leave the fellowship of the warriors and the sights and sounds of war begin to fade, we are faced with the new task of finding a new purpose, a new direction in a world that is much different and in which we don’t seem to fit in very well. We are left with our memories and our hurts, and for many, those are constant companions that will haunt our everyday, as one senior NCO dramatically confessed to me when he told me his fallen comrade would come to him in dreams to blame him for his death. Of course, he was not responsible for his death, but all the same he felt guilty; at the end, he had survived, while his friend had given the last “full measure of devotion”. However, he needed to punish himself because at least, that guilt kept him alive, authentic, and engaged.

Each one of us has a particular story, and we need to understand it, process it, own it, and then make it our motivation to propel us forward to make our lives and our journey worthwhile. Just as the last scene in Saving Private Ryan, when the now old soldier stands by the grave of the man who gave his life, so he could have his; in this moment, he believed he had lived a life that had been worth saving.

But the process is difficult for all, for some, even so much more. Once a hardened Delta Operator guy came into my office to discuss something “embarrassing”. As he sat in front of me he begins to tell me he is retiring from the military in a few weeks, after many years of service. He had been a boxer, a soldier, a veteran of multiple combat missions. He had seen great horror and suffering, and through all, he had been steadfast, loyal, courageous, and always did his duty. He had recently married, and together with his new bride, they were building a new business. Life was good, peaceful, and he felt happy and confident regarding his future.

Then, he tells me why he came to see me: “Doc the other day my wife and I were home and decided to have a quiet night watching a movie and being with each other. My wife chose a “chick movie” to watch and I didn’t care.” Then he paused and with great effort he continues-“Would you believe doc, that half way through this movie, I began to shed tears, and my wife turned to me and said What’s wrong honey?” There was the perennial tough guy, proven in battle, now crying to a chick movie, in front of his new bride!

We discussed his story in detail. We understood that through the years of service, he needed to keep his emotions under control in order to do his job; he needed to do this for himself and for the others that depended on him. Now, as he was transitioning to a new life, and this control was no longer necessary, he was allowing himself to feel those emotions; that was an important part of his own healing. I suggested that for a time, he would probably be more emotional than usual, but eventually he would feel better. I also encouraged him to follow up in psychotherapy to work out the kinks. Last I heard from him was three days before I left SOUTHCOM. He wanted me to know he was doing well, he was happy with his life, back to himself and he had fired his Psychologist (that is another story).

While we all may have different needs and challenges, these two tasks are necessary: we must find new meanings and new projects and we need to heal our hurts. We can’t live stuck in the past, chained to our present, and fearful of the future. There is no shame in admitting to our need for help; we owe this to ourselves, and to those with whom we share our lives.  This is now our new mission.

Spartan