I have told you before that you have to treat your marriage like a team event, not a contract. If you win an argument against your wife, your marriage loses, and ipso facto, you lose too. The only way to win is to work as a team and win together. Today I want to focus a bit on the important conversations you need to have and how to have them.
Answering the 4 big questions together
How anyone of you does this without your partner is absolutely beyond me, but it happens all the time because answering these questions means you might have to have some tough conversations. You need to start having these conversations at least one year before you get out, so you have time to prepare and adjust as needed.
Big Question #1- Are you financially ready to get out?
If one of you is a big spender, or maybe you have student loans, credit card debt, car payments, etc. you need to get together and figure out a budget that allows you to clear out as much of that debt as possible. Right now you have no idea how much money you will be making next year, or to put it more bluntly: you have no idea what someone will be willing to pay you next year. If you decide to get out of the military and carry with you a ton of debt, you’re setting yourself up for failure.
I know what I am suggesting here is a tough pill to swallow because it implies you might need to stay in longer. Then again, if you have a very compelling answer to Big Question #2 and can’t wait any longer, then you and your partner need to be perfectly aligned with every dollar you decide to spend (down to whether you’re buying lunch).
Big Question #2- Do you know Why you’re getting out?
Although couples often talk about the reasons for leaving the military, sometimes they aren’t aligned. I’ve seen where one person was ready to get out and the other wasn’t, but capitulated to satisfy their partner. If you’re getting out, you need to have a better reason than “my wife hates the military.” Sorry to drop that one on you, but if you’re not all in also, when life gets hard on the outside, you’re going to blame her for it. That blame will lead to resentment and eventually the relationship is going to suffer anyway. You both need to be ok with the decision! See if there’s a compromise: is there a PCS location that would help, or maybe you decide on a number of years. Regardless, it needs to work for both of you, and if you’re not OK with it, you need to speak up.
Big Question #3- Do you know where you want to live?
I had a buddy that followed his wife to her hometown because she wanted to be near family. Because he was so geographically limited, it was hard to find a job. This put them in financial strain which resulted in constant arguments in the house. In the end they ended up with an ugly divorce and their kids are stuck in the middle. It’s a terrible situation for everyone. A recommendation from a corporate recruiter is to have “gates” set up: At 12 months you want a job in San Antonio (for example), 9 months out you open it up to Texas, 6 months out you open it up to the southwest, 3 months out something stateside. If you both agree to this strategy ahead of time, then she will know you’re doing your best to meet her needs, but also keeping a pragmatic approach and protecting your finances.
Big Question #4- Do you know what you want to do?
You and your wife should be very clear about the parameters of your work so there is no confusion when you get a job offer. If you want to be a cop, or work an off-shift, she needs to be clear on the requirements of that job. If you want to work as a contractor and deploy some more, she should be on the same page as you. If she expects you to take a 9 to 5 and help her with the kids in the morning, you better be willing to do it. Regardless, it’s a conversation you need to have.
Financial Decisions
I will always harp on financial decisions because finances are the number one reason for arguments within a marriage. Regular arguments over finances can eventually lead to resentment and other arguments over minor stuff. This can then result in a marriage beyond repair and a family gets broken. Losing a family then puts a veteran into extremely high risk category for suicide, particularly when coupled with substance abuse and depression (very common after divorce). So you see, answering question #1 and being on the same page with your wife financially could very well be a life or death decision. Just don’t take this shit lightly ok?
Respect your partner and their ideas of what you should be doing with your money. Don’t make any decisions without consulting her first. When you talk to your wife about a financial decision, don’t say, “this is what we’re doing,” because that doesn’t count as a conversation. You guys are a team and you don’t need to be giving orders. Instead try, “I’m thinking of doing X, does that align with your financial goals too?” If you decide to work at your marriage and treat it like a covenant and not a contract, you will find it to be so rewarding!
Remember that this is your partner and teammate that you are talking to. If you hurt your wife in order to win an argument, your marriage loses. Keep your words soft and sweet because you never know when you’re going to have to eat them.
Good luck and God Bless!
-LJF
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