Is Your Marriage Ready for the Transition?

Getting out is a stressful time, full of unknowns, and that can put a strain on your marriage if you both aren’t ready.

When I left the military, I moved my wife and son halfway across the country from Maryland to Iowa, a place neither of us had ever been. My wife is from Tucson, Arizona, and i’m from Miami, Florida, so both of us are used to warm weather and big cities.

Ottumwa, Iowa has a population of 30,000 people, and although it’s hot in the summer, just last year we had -50 degree windchills and multiple feet of snow. It is a tiny town with one Walmart, one Burger King, one Taco Bell, a couple subway’s and McDonald’s, a single movie theater, a sad mall, and a Target that is closing its doors at the end of this year. In the winter time, there’s little to do with small children that can’t be outside in that kind of cold and piercing wind, and the nearest big city (Des Moines) is about 90 minutes away. Ottumwa is famous for being the birth place of Tom Arnold and the home town of M.A.S.H.’s fictional character Radar. For two big city kids from warm climates, this was tough!

Not only was the location itself difficult for us, but neither of us had any family nearby; mine is in Florida and hers is in Arizona. In addition I talked earlier a bit about how I had to take a pay cut initially when I got out of the military (more on that here). Add to all this change the fact that we had no friends and knew no one, then it’s easy to see how things were tough to start.

Luckily for me, I married an amazing woman, and we were able to lean on each other and work to improve our situation pragmatically. First of all, our relationship is strong and has only gotten stronger with time. For us the saying is “There is no I in marriage.” We strive to work together and make decisions as a team. It turns out Ottumwa was the right place for us, both for my career and for our relationship, and we figured that out over time as we made great friends and became a part of the community.

Too many of you are treating your marriage like a contractual relationship. “If she does not please me, then she is in breach of contract and I move on.” You give love conditionally only as a result of some action that pleases you, instead of doing so unconditionally because you promised to years ago.

Your wife may indeed be a problem, but let me ask, what have you done for your relationship lately? What do you do the moment you get off work? Are you rushing home to be with your family, or are you going to hang out with your buddies. Do you know what her struggles are? Do you understand what her problems are? Do you know what she is going through? Do you even care?

How many of you look at those questions and think, “well she doesn’t try at all,” or “she doesn’t understand what i’ve been through.” Are you trying? Do you understand what she’s been through?

Are you more patient with strangers than you are with your family? When you get into an argument, is your goal to reach an understanding as a team, or to win the argument?

I still struggle with a lot of this. I have a tough time recognizing that it’s not all about me. If I “win” an argument by sending her off with a tearful “FINE!” Then I have lost because my marriage has lost.

Put into terms that maybe you guys will understand: If a QB and a WR are having an argument, and the QB refuses to throw the ball and the WR refuses to catch it, is there any way for that team to win? No…no there isn’t. The only result is more yelling, resentment, and eventual divorce. You have to work at it.

If you don’t respect your marriage, no one else will. If you don’t respect your wife, no one else will.

Next time you want to get hurtful, I want you to imagine it was a total stranger yelling at your wife instead of your dumb ass. Then I want you to ask yourself what you would do if a stranger was talking to her that way. We both know what would happen, you would beat his ass, but you’re tolerant of your own bullshit you hypocrite.

I told you in the beginning that I wouldn’t mince words with you, and maybe i’ve pissed some of you off, but the ugly truth is rarely well received. If you won’t work at your marriage, then your marriage won’t work.

I’ve seen many guys blame the Army for their shitty relationships with their wives. They think it’s the deployments, time away from home, saturday formations, that are the root of their marriage problems. They’re not, they are the context under which problems are occurring, but if you’re marriage is rocky while you’re in, the added stress of getting out is not going to help you.

I’m not saying that you need to solve all your problems, but you do need to develop some healthy habits that will help you deal with the turmoil that comes when you first get out.

Fight fair- remember you’re on a team
Remember that marriage is a commitment, not a contract.
Think about how she feels
Treat her how you would expect others to treat her
Respect your marriage
Have fun!

Yeah, marriage is not easy, but having a fulfilling marriage is very rewarding. If you’re just roommates, you’re missing out and you owe it to yourself. I’m not perfect, I fall short nearly every day, but I’m moving in the right direction, and I have the best partner to do it with!