CONUS Battle Drills

Is Your Marriage Ready for the Transition?

Getting out is a stressful time, full of unknowns, and that can put a strain on your marriage if you both aren’t ready.

When I left the military, I moved my wife and son halfway across the country from Maryland to Iowa, a place neither of us had ever been. My wife is from Tucson, Arizona, and i’m from Miami, Florida, so both of us are used to warm weather and big cities.

Ottumwa, Iowa has a population of 30,000 people, and although it’s hot in the summer, just last year we had -50 degree windchills and multiple feet of snow. It is a tiny town with one Walmart, one Burger King, one Taco Bell, a couple subway’s and McDonald’s, a single movie theater, a sad mall, and a Target that is closing its doors at the end of this year. In the winter time, there’s little to do with small children that can’t be outside in that kind of cold and piercing wind, and the nearest big city (Des Moines) is about 90 minutes away. Ottumwa is famous for being the birth place of Tom Arnold and the home town of M.A.S.H.’s fictional character Radar. For two big city kids from warm climates, this was tough!

Not only was the location itself difficult for us, but neither of us had any family nearby; mine is in Florida and hers is in Arizona. In addition I talked earlier a bit about how I had to take a pay cut initially when I got out of the military (more on that here). Add to all this change the fact that we had no friends and knew no one, then it’s easy to see how things were tough to start.

Luckily for me, I married an amazing woman, and we were able to lean on each other and work to improve our situation pragmatically. First of all, our relationship is strong and has only gotten stronger with time. For us the saying is “There is no I in marriage.” We strive to work together and make decisions as a team. It turns out Ottumwa was the right place for us, both for my career and for our relationship, and we figured that out over time as we made great friends and became a part of the community.

Too many of you are treating your marriage like a contractual relationship. “If she does not please me, then she is in breach of contract and I move on.” You give love conditionally only as a result of some action that pleases you, instead of doing so unconditionally because you promised to years ago.

Your wife may indeed be a problem, but let me ask, what have you done for your relationship lately? What do you do the moment you get off work? Are you rushing home to be with your family, or are you going to hang out with your buddies. Do you know what her struggles are? Do you understand what her problems are? Do you know what she is going through? Do you even care?

How many of you look at those questions and think, “well she doesn’t try at all,” or “she doesn’t understand what i’ve been through.” Are you trying? Do you understand what she’s been through?

Are you more patient with strangers than you are with your family? When you get into an argument, is your goal to reach an understanding as a team, or to win the argument?

I still struggle with a lot of this. I have a tough time recognizing that it’s not all about me. If I “win” an argument by sending her off with a tearful “FINE!” Then I have lost because my marriage has lost.

Put into terms that maybe you guys will understand: If a QB and a WR are having an argument, and the QB refuses to throw the ball and the WR refuses to catch it, is there any way for that team to win? No…no there isn’t. The only result is more yelling, resentment, and eventual divorce. You have to work at it.

If you don’t respect your marriage, no one else will. If you don’t respect your wife, no one else will.

Next time you want to get hurtful, I want you to imagine it was a total stranger yelling at your wife instead of your dumb ass. Then I want you to ask yourself what you would do if a stranger was talking to her that way. We both know what would happen, you would beat his ass, but you’re tolerant of your own bullshit you hypocrite.

I told you in the beginning that I wouldn’t mince words with you, and maybe i’ve pissed some of you off, but the ugly truth is rarely well received. If you won’t work at your marriage, then your marriage won’t work.

I’ve seen many guys blame the Army for their shitty relationships with their wives. They think it’s the deployments, time away from home, saturday formations, that are the root of their marriage problems. They’re not, they are the context under which problems are occurring, but if you’re marriage is rocky while you’re in, the added stress of getting out is not going to help you.

I’m not saying that you need to solve all your problems, but you do need to develop some healthy habits that will help you deal with the turmoil that comes when you first get out.

Fight fair- remember you’re on a team
Remember that marriage is a commitment, not a contract.
Think about how she feels
Treat her how you would expect others to treat her
Respect your marriage
Have fun!

Yeah, marriage is not easy, but having a fulfilling marriage is very rewarding. If you’re just roommates, you’re missing out and you owe it to yourself. I’m not perfect, I fall short nearly every day, but I’m moving in the right direction, and I have the best partner to do it with!

My friend Pastor Marty Schmidt in Ottumwa did a great job explaining this. I recommend you take some time and watch the message below:

PS Week 3 Marriage 9-7-2014 from The Bridge on Vimeo.

-LJF

Preventing Veteran Suicide

Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Every day a veteran somewhere takes his life. It’s one of the most tragic circumstances and often the deaths that hit us hardest when we get that phone call.

I’ve had four friends take their lives. They all bothered me, but one in particular keeps coming to mind because he reached out to me years before and I feel like I could have done more.

Rob Kislow was a young private in my platoon when we deployed to Afghanistan in 2005. I had only been the platoon leader for a matter of weeks before we deployed, and I had been in the Army for less than a year. About a month into our deployment, our platoon was sent to support a special forces team in a rural part of Afghanistan along the Pakistan border.

My platoon was going to be split up into two separate units to run missions in the area and I took the mission that I thought was going to be the more dangerous one; I didn’t want to miss out on the action. On June 10, 2005, soldiers from Bravo company 3^rd platoon got into one of the largest firefights of that entire deployment, and I was hours away on a separate mission…on foot.

When I think of the worst days in my military career, June 10^th is always near the top of the list. I sat by the radio for hours listening to my guys get shot up, completely unable to do ANYTHING to support them. I watched as helicopters flew over my position heading to the fight, trying to find a way to get there to no avail.

The fight went on for hours, and I could hear the 9-line MEDEVAC requests come in with explosions in the background. One killed, two evacuated, several others injured but ambulatory.

SFC Victor Cervantes, a Green Beret just days away from going home, was part of the ODA team that came to join the fight in progress; he was killed by the enemy while clearing a wadi.

Rob Kislow was shot three times, once in the ankle, once in the wrist, and the third bullet penetrated his helmet and came out the other side, scraping along the back of his head. Rob saw the guy that shot him, but because the Afghan soldiers didn’t wear a uniform, he hesitated before taking a shot to avoid friendly fire, and was blasted by a burst of 7.62 from the enemy’s AK. PFC Collazo saw this and took the enemy out, thinking Kislow had been killed when he saw the helmet fly into the air. Collazo began to administer first aid and Rob was evacuated, eventually making it to Walter Reed where they determined that his leg needed to be amputated.

When we returned from the deployment, the company commander, 1SG, myself, and my platoon sergeant went to visit Kislow at Walter Reed. As soon as we walked in, Rob looked at the PSG and said, “Fuck You Sergeant!” We all froze and the big vein in the center of my PSG’s head popped out immediately, Rob continued, “You can try to smoke me all you want! I can do flutter kicks all day!” He began doing flutter kicks in his bed, the nub where his leg would have been flew up and down. We all had a good laugh, some hugs, and sat and talked with him for some time.

I don’t remember much what we talked about that day, but I do remember him calling for the nurse. He said something about “phantom pain” and “this fucking button isn’t working” referencing his medication dispenser, then yelled, “it’s a fucking TEN ok!” He seemed to be in constant pain.

I didn’t know what to do or say. I was a 23 year old kid and I had no training on how to deal with this. What did he need to hear? What could I say to help? I didn’t know, so I sat there in silence, hoping that just being there was enough.

Months later I got a call from Rob late one night. I was sitting on my couch watching TV when my phone rang. I answered chipper, but Rob was in a bad place. We talked for about an hour, most of which was me listening to him cry, “my fucking leg is gone sir! It’s fucking gone. I failed you guys. I should have been there. I came home too soon.” He repeated that over and over, and again I didn’t know what to say. I don’t remember what I said, but I remember hanging up and sitting there on my couch in silence. The TV was still on, but muted, and I thought about my friend…but I didn’t do any more.

If I had known that was the last time that I would hear Rob’s voice, I might have gotten into my car and driven the four and a half hours to Walter Reed. I was a single guy, I didn’t have much else going on in my life, I could have done it.

Rob battled with PTSD for almost seven more years after that phone call, but he never once contacted me again beyond an accepted friend request on Facebook. Two years ago I was stunned to find out that he took his life and his fiancée’s mother’s life too. I thought he was ok, I had no idea.

I’m not sure that I could have changed anything if I had been more involved, but because I wasn’t, that thought remains in my mind. It’s the reason I’ve made an effort to get back in touch with my old buddies. It’s why I have asked you to do the same, and it’s why I started this endeavor.

All the time, money, and effort put into making CONUS Battle Drills happen will be worthwhile if we can keep even ONE guy from taking his life. If I can help a guy through the stressful transition time to start a career, bolster his relationship with his wife, and connect with his children, maybe I can show them there’s hope after all. Maybe I can make it easier to take the time to deal with the demons in his mind. If nothing else, maybe I can show him that he’s not alone, there are millions of us out there that will call him brother.

So if you are reading this, get in touch with someone and let them know you’re there. It will be good for both of you, and if you have had suicidal thoughts, please call the number below and get help. Life is worth it, it’s beautiful, and you shouldn’t miss out.

1-800-273-8255

-LJF

Writing Your Resume

Alright, so you’ve answered the 4 Big questions and now your finances are in order and you know how much you need to make when you get out, you’ve decided on a location to live (fully knowing the tradeoff), you are clear on why you’re getting out, and you know what type of career you want to pursue. The last one is the most important for this next step- Writing your resume.

There are two types of military resumes that i’ve seen. Either the 5-10 page dissertation, or the 90 word crayon scribble with “Lorem Ipsum” still on it somewhere. “What’s wrong with a 5 page resume,” you ask? Read on, i’ll explain.

If you’re the second type, go smoke yourself, you’re not emotionally ready to get out of the Army. I’m sorry if the first sergeant yelled at you and now your feelings are hurt and you want to get out, but you’re not ready to be a big boy and market yourself. You still need the structure the Army provides and it’s the only place you stand a chance of getting a good salary and a retirement. It’s for your own good, you’ve got that brand new Camaro that still needs paid off.

Your resume is your key to a job and if you don’t take it seriously, neither will a recruiter. It’s the document that is going to get you into an interview room and the first step in getting that job.

Researchers at theladders.com found that recruiters spend 6 seconds looking at your resume. Six seconds. That’s how much time you have to make an impression. Here’s what they’re looking at:

Here is some advice on how to visually organize your resume.

Alright, for those of you that are serious about getting a good job, take a look at your resume, does it have something like this on it?

“Lead and train a 35 man airborne infantry platoon…responsible for $1,000,000 worth of equipment…fight and win.”

Yeah, me too at first. My resume was five pages that described literally every single junior military officer that had ever served in the 82nd Airborne division. Your resume needs to be about you and your skills, not about the Army’s definition of your job title.

In the 4 big questions, you identified what career you want, and I told you that “lead people” is an option. When I first got out, I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I knew that I wanted leadership role, so with the help and advice of my headhunter, I revised my resume to focus on my leadership skills. Instead of that long ass job description, I replaced that entire text with something I did, specifically.

STAR- I’ll talk about this more in a later post, but everything from your interview answers to your resume bullets need to be in a STAR format- Situation, Task, Action, Result. Take this bullet for example

As my unit prepared to come home, I created the transition plan for 500 soldiers in southern Iraq to include branches and contingencies resulting in zero casualties during the most dangerous time in a deployment.

Can you find the STAR in it? In 35 words I explained something that I actually did, and since I was applying for a program manager position that requires planning capabilities, this bullet particularly resonated. If I was applying for a leadership position, I would say something like, “lead a team that created the plan”. Both are true, but they are targeted at the job. Later when I talked about that in my interview, it helped make an impression on my interviewer and they remembered me later.

So now go back and look at your resume. Read what you have on there and ask yourself, “does this apply to me, or everyone like me?” If it doesn’t apply to JUST YOU, delete it, you don’t need that crap.

If you’re retiring you get 2 pages for your resume, everyone else, you get one…that’s right ONE page. Your entire career to this point needs to be in one well organized, clean, easy to read, mistake free page.

Your most recent job is first and you get 3 bullets for it, explain what YOU did. Every other job gets two bullets max.

Job Descriptions- If your jobs say something like this:

Assistant G2 Plans and OPS 20th SUPCOM CBRNE May-2009 to May 2010, you need to change that shit. No one in the civilian world understands what the hell that is, heck half of the guys in the military don’t know what that is.

Instead highlight the skills in the job description

Division level Intelligence Planner, Worldwide Counter WMD May 2009 to May 2010, same job, but now it tells a story. Also notice that since I was applying for a job that requires planning ability that I brought that part of the job into focus.

This isn’t an easy task, and you’re going to need several go’s at it before you have something ready to show to your headhunter…and i’ll talk about getting a headhunter later…right now you have to go work on your resume.

Comment here or contact me if you have specific questions and want honest feedback.

The 4 Big Questions- Career

Do you know what you want to do when you get out?

This is something I didn’t know, I wanted to remain open to as many career possibilities as possible, and to be frank, I really didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up; heck, I still don’t know. I don’t want you to decide to do something that you’re comfortable with unless that really is your passion.

“Well, I’m an MP, so I guess I’ll be a cop.”

No. Stop that shit. Do you want to be a cop? If the answer is no, then don’t just blindly do something because it was your MOS. Look, I was an infantryman (11A) and an MI officer (35D), since I got out I’ve been an assembly line supervisor, marketing manager, and now I’m a program manager. Luckily this is one area that I didn’t listen to those doom sayers. Just because I had a TS/SCI didn’t mean that the best opportunity for me was to work as a DOD civilian. I didn’t want to sit around in a SCIF reading intel reports.

A headhunter is a great resource here. Be honest, if you don’t know what you want to do, but you’re articulate and you know how to spell, then there’s a really good likelihood that he’s going to be able to find you a job that pays about as much as you make now.

I know you want to make more than you make now. That’ll come, and we’ll talk about it later, but we need to manage some expectations. You’re starting at the bottom again and no one cares that you were a first sergeant or a company commander. What’s your first name? That’s who you are now; I became Louis, the ex-army guy with no experience. The truth is, you don’t know how the real world runs, but that’s ok. You bring a special set of skills that are highly sought after and I’m going to teach you how to use them, but before we get into that, answer these four questions.

You’re about to make a major life changing decision and you need to check your static line. By the way “lead people” is an option.

-LJF

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