This story only has one side…
“Good morning kiddos!”
“I love you too!”
“Well that’s an interesting dream, now go to the bathroom.”
What is that? Is that shit?
“Why are you naked? You can’t sit on the couch naked and watch a show. Come get dressed.”
“What do you want for breakfast?”… “No, you can’t have peanut butter and jelly sandwich.”… “Fine…stop crying, I’ll put PB&J on a waffle, how’s that?”
Did the baby just shit his pants? Damn, I just changed his diaper. “Come here Ben! You need another diaper.”
“Alright, let’s get shoes on.” … “Stop screaming, we’re going to the playground.” … “Sure we can go to that one.”
“Is everyone buckled in?”
“Sure, I’ll push you on the swing.”
“Tag! YOU’RE it!”
“Daddy needs a break.”
“Alright, timer’s set for 5 minutes.” … “Stop crying, what do you want for lunch?” … “No, we’re not having McDonald’s again.” … “You had PB&J for breakfast.”
I’m just going to make Hot Dogs, 20 seconds and they’re done. Damn, should’ve emptied the dishwasher earlier.
“Roll up your sleeves please.” … “Stop, you’re getting ketchup everywhere.” … “Ok, time for a show.”
Almost nap time, get lunch cleaned up and this show will be over, then it’ll be quiet and maybe I can sit my fat ass on the couch for a few.
“Why are you naked? Let’s get a pull-up on you.”
What did I just step on? Is that shit? Oh no, if that’s shit I’m holding it in my bare hands. Emily is looking at me like it’s shit. Only one way to find out…whew…wet cocoa puff.
“Get some rest sweetie.” … “I love you too.”
“Time to wake up babies!” … “Yes, we can play upstairs.”
Did he shit again? Yep.
“Come here Ben, you need a new diaper.”
What the fuck did he eat? Damn.
“Stay here kids, Daddy has to go to the bathroom.”
Oh, looks like Izzy took a shit and forgot to flush again…next time I’ll use my own bathroom.
“What’cha cooking babe?” … “Smells great!”
“She’s making dinner.” … “It does not smell disgusting Jonathan.”
“Izzy, stop jumping on the trampoline when Ben falls, you’re going to hurt him.”
Why does it smell like shit?
“Jonathan did you fart?” … “It’s not funny.” … “No, get away from me.” … “You’re going to poop your pants, go to the bathroom.” … “Now!”
“Alright, let’s clean up, dinner is ready!”
… “Yes my love.”…“Sorry, forgot to roll up his sleeves, I’ll remember next time.”
“Is that so delicious Izzy?” … “You’re going to get it in your hair like that.”
“Jonathan, sit correctly, you’re going to fall…see? That’s why I tell you to sit correctly every night.” … “No it’s not the chair’s fault.”
“Alright, I’ll clean up.”
Well now I have to empty the dishwasher.
“Yes, I wiped everything down.” … “Sorry, forgot the oven. I’ll do it now.”
How many diapers do we have in this trashcan, damn it smells like shit.
“I’ll be right back, I have to use the bathroom.”
Did Izzy shit in my bathroom too? Damn! We really need to teach that girl to flush.
“Alright, time for bath!”
“Come here naked baby!” … “Yeah, they’re all running around naked.”
“HEY! In the tub! All of you!”
“Stop splashing, you’re getting me wet.”
“Right now you have to pee? Now that you’re all wet?”
Great, this’ll be fun to clean up.
“Alright, go to mommy and daddy’s room so we can get you dressed.” … “You’re cold because you threw your towel off and started running around naked.”
“Bring me a Dr. Seuss book.”… “thank you, thank you, Sam I am…Alright, go get in bed.”
“Goodnight my babies!”
“I love you too.”
“So you wanna get freaky now that they’re asleep?”… “Well, thought I’d ask.”
“Izzy left me a turd in both bathrooms today.”… “I know, the second one was the kicker, I’m still laughing.” … “Well she eats like a man, what do you expect?”
“What do you want to watch?” … “Want to watch another?”
“Love you too, goodnight.”
Dude….get out of my house! Sounds like my place. Glad I’m not the only one.
Which is why deployments were so dang easy. I don’t regret leaning them for fatherhood though. My kids are the only thing I ever got right in this sorry life.