Tag: emotional pain

The Power of Perspective

This is my friend Steve.  He’s one of my favorite people in the office:

steve

Steve is one of our test engineers here at John Deere, and an integral member of our team.  He is hardworking, honest, and always has a positive attitude.

I first met Steve about a year ago when I moved cross-country and started working in North Carolina.  We shared a corner of a large cubical farm and both of us being early risers meant that we generally had some time to chat each day before most people showed up to work. I looked forward to those morning conversations, learning about him and his interests, but most of all, I loved his perspective on life.

I remember the first time he told me about Muscular Dystrophy, it was in passing, and it seemed to me he was determined to not let a disease define who he was.  As the months went by, I noticed a wheelchair brought into our cubical and asked him about it.  It was there in case of an emergency evacuation; he can’t move as fast as others.  Then he said something that I doubt he even remembers, “I’m blessed that I still can…” and then went on to list a bunch of things that he still could do.

BLESSED?!

Here is a guy that has every reason to be angry at God and his response is faithfulness and thankfulness that he “still can”!  I thought it was amazing and inspiring, and it was an affirmation for me to continue to focus on my own blessings and stop zeroing in on every problem I have.  I needed to really consider my own perspective.

My Inspiration

Steve is no longer my cube mate, he had to move closer to the entry door to the factory, and just a few weeks ago I noticed he had a powered chair.  We spoke a bit and he opened up about some of the difficulty he was facing: how tired he was, how he couldn’t play with his beautiful daughter, and how this chair was changing all of that for him.  I found out that although the health insurance paid for the chair, they wouldn’t pay for the new, specially modified vehicle he had to buy to transport it.  When I expressed shock at that, he merely responded,  “It’s cool, I had this planned for a while.”

It’s cool?!

Here is a guy having to buy a car worth almost as much as a house due to his medical condition, getting no financial support to do so, and he can only talk about how it’s great that he was prepared and had enough income to take it on.

He told me another joke, we laughed for a bit, and I drove home.  On my drive I began to think of how I would deal with what Steve is going through right now, and realized that I have a lot to learn from him.  I also realized that I am wasting the blessing of good health.  If i was unable to run, I’d probably complain about it, even though I rarely do it now. So I got back into the gym the next day.

Perspective

I was on the elliptical one morning not long after my decision to work out more when it hit me that a healthy body wasn’t the only blessing that so many people take for granted.  We’re so preoccupied on having more, that we rarely stop to appreciate what we currently have.  Our homes, our familes, our cars, a full belly.  I’m not cold, wet, hungry, or tired.  I’m not getting shot at, and i’m sleeping in a comfy bed with air conditioning.  I have a comfortable pair of shoes and new clothes.  I shower every day and have furniture in my house.  I own several televisions, I have internet, a phone.  The list goes on.

I have seen and lived among people that pray every day to be exactly where I am right now; am I thankful enough?  Are you?

My friend is going through a tough time.  This is the card he has been dealt, but instead of wallowing, he is inspiring.  Instead of faltering, he is ever more faithful.  Instead of depression, he spreads an infectious smile.  I need to be more like Steve, and in the age of the victim, I think we ALL need to be more like Steve.

What’s your perspective?

-LJF

Getting out of the military is hard!  Don’t make it harder on yourself by not being prepared!  Buy CONUS Battle Drills:  A Guide for Combat Veterans to Corporate Life, Parenthood, and Caging the Beast Inside!

The Dark Night of the Soul- Part 1

This is the first part of two-part postings on suicide. The first part deals with a general introduction to the problem and the concept of risk and protective factors. The second part will address more intrapersonal, individual factors and possible options to find hope and relief. However, it is important to keep in mind this is a very complex subject that resists any attempt to quick fixes or easy solutions. We humbly approach this deadly subject with hopes at understanding it better and hopefully finding possible solutions.

The man in front of me was looking distressed and his words were coming out with great difficulty. He was a platoon SGT, with multiple combat deployments, and currently having problems with chronic pain, poor sleep, and depression. As we discussed his background and his military experience, something seemed not right. As we progressed in our interview, I asked him if something had occurred recently. He looked up to me and said, “Yesterday I found out one of my guys from my platoon in Afghanistan committed suicide, he was like a son to me”

For those of us in the military, these are sadly, common occurrences. We all know somebody or know of somebody, who has taken his life. The news is devastating. These men have been in combat, shared great dangers and adversities, and through it all, they survived and came home only to end their lives at their own hands.  We feel sad, powerless, angry, and we ask ourselves why?

It may be surprising to some, but there was a time in the past that suicide in the military was much lower (20% and more in some cases) than in the civilian population; in fact, being in the military used to be a protective factor. However, all of that began to change around 2004, and suicide rates have continued to rise and maintain at levels much higher that our civilians counterparts. By 2012, when we were still significantly involved in combat operations, more soldiers died by suicide than those killed in action, a very sobering fact. It does not take a genius to see that the rise in suicide rates corresponded to the onset of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars our longest wars to date. Yet, the statistical link between deployments and suicide is at best weak or non-existent, a fact that adds complexity to this issue.

There are hundreds of studies and millions of dollars spent in trying to find a solution, or even an understanding to this perplexing problem. One factor however, which seems significant is that suicide rates are much higher for those who separate early from the military or separate under less than honorable conditions. This fact alone, underlines the importance of transition issues, of losing connection with our brothers in arms, and of finding oneself lost in a world we do not seem to fit in very well and we do not seem to be well equipped to survive and thrive.

A significant line of research, mostly based on statistical and epidemiological studies of suicide populations, focuses on risk and protective factors; that is, what are the factors or elements that render a person more vulnerable or likely to commit suicide versus the factors that tend to protect the person from it. While this research is helpful and promising in many respects, if fails in two fundamental aspects. The first one is clearly linked to the weakness of correlational studies; that an association exist between to variables, does not implies causation, it only suggests a relationship ( that a rooster crows at sunrise does not mean that the sun makes the rooster crows).  The second one is similar, that while a set of factors may predict a likely behavior from a member of a given population, it can’t never predict the behavior of a specific member of that population. For example, risk factors may tell us that soldiers who display those factors have a higher likelihood to hurt themselves, but it cannot tell us that a specific soldier, SGT Smith will do so.

Nevertheless, risk and protective factors are place to start in helping us think more concretely about suicide and in ways to prevent it from occurring.  Here is a short list of those factors.

Risk and Protective Factors

 

Risk Factors    Protective  Factors
 

Mental disorders

Prior history of suicidal behavior

Personality Disorders

Personality Traits (anger, impulsivity)

Hopelessness

Substance Use

Stressful life events (loss of job, partner)

Lack of Social Support

Single/divorced

Cognitive Problems

Chronic illnesses (Pain, TBI, etc)

Demographics (white, male )

Access to lethal means

Family history of mental illness

History of childhood abuse/neglect

 

 Social Support

Being Married

Religious affiliation

Character strengths

Life Satisfaction

Positive mood

Hope

Self-esteem

Meaning and purpose

Coping ability

Adaptability

Meaningfully employed.

Life goals

 

A quick look at this list may suggest some possible ways to minimize risk. Some factors are of course, impervious to change; we can’t alter our race and gender neither can we alter our lives’ histories. Who we are biologically, and what has happened to us, is determined and unchangeable. On the other hand, there are many factors we can change or modify which may enhance and enrich our lives and in doing so, protect us from self-destruction. Maintaining a sense of connection and belongings, fostering primary relationships, returning or coming to Faith, seeking professional help, taking care of our basic needs (employment, housing, etc) and developing life goals and purpose may be a place to start. There are no easy solutions, and even those actions we could take may not be completely under out control. Even our willingness, disposition and desire may be lacking. However, it is not the size of the problem, but the strength of our character that will carry the day; we need to believe that and commit ourselves to that ideal.

SPARTAN

 

 


Getting out of the military is hard!  Don’t make it harder on yourself by not being prepared!  Buy CONUS Battle Drills:  A Guide for Combat Veterans to Corporate Life, Parenthood, and Caging the Beast Inside!

Finding Purpose with a DD214

It’s hard to describe the struggle of finding meaning and purpose to a civilian; this is something only a veteran will understand and appreciate.

Purpose in the military

I remember quite clearly the day I drove onto Fort Bragg, fresh out of Ranger School and ready to lead men into combat.  I arrived at the 504th HQ and immediately took on the monicker of the Devils in Baggy Pants, a name earned in WWII given to the brigade by a german soldier.  I wore a US Flag on one shoulder, and the All American unit patch on the other.  From my first day, I represented much more than just myself.  I belonged to an elite group of men with a rich history.

 

It was more than being a part of a group with history though, it was also the gravity of what I was doing.  I was fighting for my country, ready and willing to sacrifice everything for the greater good.  The spartans came home with their shields or on them, I was similarly coming home with my flag or under it.  Every formation, every training exercise, every action I took in uniform was about sharpening myself and my men so we could make the other poor bastard die for his country.

Then I got my DD214…

Both Chad and I have told you many times, and i’ve written about it in the book, to make sure to answer why you’re getting out (1, 2).  It’s because both of us understand how difficult it is to find a purpose greater than yourself when you’re not in anymore.  To a civilian, that might not seem like such a big deal, but to a veteran, nothing is more important.

You didn’t joint the military because you cared about yourself, you did it because you cared about something greater than yourself.  You were a cog, and for many that served with you, you were an integral part of their lives.  Now what?

I don’t live to earn money.  Money is a necessity to survive, but having it doesn’t really motivate me.  I would go through a lot more pain and suffering to earn a cloth tab than to earn a dollar.

I also don’t live to work for my employer.  I know, that’s like a taboo thing to say, but I’m not willing to die for my company, but I was and am still very willing to die for my former employer:  The United States of America.   There are very few things I wouldn’t do to protect the red, white and blue, there’s no way to replicate that in the civilian world.

So?  Now what?

First, if you have a good “why” maybe that is your purpose.  Maybe you need to get involved in helping veterans or doing something for your community.  Maybe you need to run for office, or maybe you need to volunteer at church.

What you’re missing is the selfless-sacrifice that formed the keystone of everything else you did.

For me, I volunteer at church, give tons to charity, run this blog, support vets, and I live for my family.  My motivation to kick ass at work and earn money is so that I can continue to fund the efforts that make up my new purpose…a purpose that is bigger than me.

What’s yours?

 

 

-LJF



A Psychologist’s Perspective

Today we welcome another contributor to CONUS Battle Drills: Spartan.  As a young man he joined the US Army and was an 82nd Airborne medic.  He left the military and got a doctorate in psychology then practiced as a naval officer for over 20 years before retiring.  He’s been in special operations and worked on several secret squirrel programs.  In order to protect his family, his patients, and his current job, his identity will remain a secret for now.

A Psychologist’s Turn

They will beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks (Isaiah 2:4)

…For I will turn their mourning into joy, and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow (Jeremiah 31:13).

While these verses refer to a time in the future when God will turn our sadness into joy and Peace will reign on earth, for many of us, as we transition out of the military, this can become our hope as well as our challenge.

As we leave the fellowship of the warriors and the sights and sounds of war begin to fade, we are faced with the new task of finding a new purpose, a new direction in a world that is much different and in which we don’t seem to fit in very well. We are left with our memories and our hurts, and for many, those are constant companions that will haunt our everyday, as one senior NCO dramatically confessed to me when he told me his fallen comrade would come to him in dreams to blame him for his death. Of course, he was not responsible for his death, but all the same he felt guilty; at the end, he had survived, while his friend had given the last “full measure of devotion”. However, he needed to punish himself because at least, that guilt kept him alive, authentic, and engaged.

Each one of us has a particular story, and we need to understand it, process it, own it, and then make it our motivation to propel us forward to make our lives and our journey worthwhile. Just as the last scene in Saving Private Ryan, when the now old soldier stands by the grave of the man who gave his life, so he could have his; in this moment, he believed he had lived a life that had been worth saving.

But the process is difficult for all, for some, even so much more. Once a hardened Delta Operator guy came into my office to discuss something “embarrassing”. As he sat in front of me he begins to tell me he is retiring from the military in a few weeks, after many years of service. He had been a boxer, a soldier, a veteran of multiple combat missions. He had seen great horror and suffering, and through all, he had been steadfast, loyal, courageous, and always did his duty. He had recently married, and together with his new bride, they were building a new business. Life was good, peaceful, and he felt happy and confident regarding his future.

Then, he tells me why he came to see me: “Doc the other day my wife and I were home and decided to have a quiet night watching a movie and being with each other. My wife chose a “chick movie” to watch and I didn’t care.” Then he paused and with great effort he continues-“Would you believe doc, that half way through this movie, I began to shed tears, and my wife turned to me and said What’s wrong honey?” There was the perennial tough guy, proven in battle, now crying to a chick movie, in front of his new bride!

We discussed his story in detail. We understood that through the years of service, he needed to keep his emotions under control in order to do his job; he needed to do this for himself and for the others that depended on him. Now, as he was transitioning to a new life, and this control was no longer necessary, he was allowing himself to feel those emotions; that was an important part of his own healing. I suggested that for a time, he would probably be more emotional than usual, but eventually he would feel better. I also encouraged him to follow up in psychotherapy to work out the kinks. Last I heard from him was three days before I left SOUTHCOM. He wanted me to know he was doing well, he was happy with his life, back to himself and he had fired his Psychologist (that is another story).

While we all may have different needs and challenges, these two tasks are necessary: we must find new meanings and new projects and we need to heal our hurts. We can’t live stuck in the past, chained to our present, and fearful of the future. There is no shame in admitting to our need for help; we owe this to ourselves, and to those with whom we share our lives.  This is now our new mission.

Spartan