Tag: father

Will Your Marriage Survive?

I want to ask you a question about your marriage.  Obviously I will not know the answer unless you chose to tell me, but I want you to really take a moment and answer the question before you read on:

Why did you get Married?

Now are any of your answers like the ones below?

  1. She made me laugh
  2. She had a wonderful personality
  3. I couldn’t stop looking at her
  4. She complimented me well
  5. I wanted a family and I knew she would make a great mom
  6. She had the same interests as me

Maybe your answer wasn’t on the list above, but did it describe a way that SHE made YOU happy?

Look at my made up list.  The common theme there is that every one of those reasons are something that she does for me.  What happens when one of those things go away?  Do your reasons for marriage collapse now?

How many of you have gotten a wandering eye when your partner stopped pleasing you?  It was all her fault right?

Is your viewpoint that your marriage is supposed to SERVE you?

Let me put this in a way that anyone that has spent more than 5 minutes in the military can understand:

There are two types of leadership perspectives in the military.  One that places the soldiers first.  This leader understands that it is his duty to train, equip, and protect his soldiers.  He sees his position as one of service to his men.  He eats after they do, sleeps after they do, and isn’t afraid to do the terrible jobs alongside his men.  For his service, they will literally follow him into hell with smiles on their faces.  His leadership will create a cohesive team where the bonds of brotherhood will never be broken.

Then there is the asshole who sees a leadership position as an opportunity to advance his own career.  This fuckstick will do as little as possible when his superiors aren’t present.  His goal is to use the leadership position for his own aggrandizement.  The team becomes fractured and his men will never fully trust him.

So let me ask, what kind of leader are you in your marriage?

Let that sink in for a moment buddy, are you serving your family, or are you expecting them to serve you?

So you decide, what kind of husband are you going to be?



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Center of Gravity- Part 2

My parents are far from perfect (so am I) but they are my biggest heroes. I still admire and respect many of our national heroes (God knows there are and have been some GREAT ones) but truthfully none of those people have influenced me in the same intimate capacity.  Popular national heroes, like George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr., The Wright Brothers, Helen Keller, Neil Armstrong, Jackie Robinson, and SO many more, typically influence us in grand theoretical ways. They display attributes that we desire to have ourselves. They behave in ways that we respect. They teach us lessons through their own struggles and stories. But it is the names (like Bruce and Leslie Shields; and Randy and Mary Paulson) that most people have never heard of that are actually in the trenches with us. As a former military officer I am well aware that the “cream rises to the top.” Enlisted men and women hardly get the recognition that they deserve. Their successes become their boss’s successes. Names like Patton, Eisenhower, and MacArthur are easy to remember but who can name two of their staff members or name their respected Command Sergeant’s Majors?

My point is this; some people will get recognized more than others. It’s simply a fact of life. However, we must never lose sight of reality. It was the unrecognized people who actually tossed hand grenades and manned the machine guns that truly won the day. Not the well known “face-man” alone.

The family-unit is our proverbial foot soldier. They are the “no-names, forgotten-names, and often taken-for-granted-names.’ They are the ones duking it out in close quarter combat. In present-day America, it is my opinion that, the family-unit is engaged in trench warfare of its worst kind. Bayonets are fixed and survival is on the line. If we lose this fight, if the family-unit does not survive, our source of strength will be gone. We will have lost our CoG as a nation and subsequently everything else we hold dear.

I do honestly believe that EVERYTHING we have achieved as a nation started around the fire pit, dinner table, or family room.

Where else do you learn the bedrock principles and values that carry over onto a national stage?

Beliefs like hard work, honesty, courage, self-reliance, generosity, etc. matter and are what we should aspire to achieve (or live out). These types of beliefs were not, are not, or ever will be government created or inspired things.  They are ideals and they are passed on from one generation to the next through the family-unit.

Every time we think these critical beliefs and principles are being corroded in our country, I would challenge us to also look at the status of the family-unit. I think we will find a scary correlation.

Louis devotes a lot of time to writing about his experiences as a husband and father. He openly shares his struggles at it. I appreciate his candidness. Honestly, I think parenting as become more difficult for all of us. Not just veterans.

I believe it has become more difficult for parents because it has become more difficult to be a child in this country. Children are under a burden unlike anything we have seen in the past. American children are being pressured from so many angles; by their peers, our media, schools, and parents themselves. They are expected to act like adults and make adult decisions without actually ever growing up and experiencing life. Several cultural changes have had tremendous impacts against the family-unit, especially for the parents. Financial tension in families is increased because of the status of our economy. Parents have a shorter fuse when they come home stressed. I think single parenting is the climax of this stress. Thus, the rising divorce rate affects all of us.

I felt like when I grew up (in my respected town and neighborhoods) everyone had similar values and beliefs. No matter where you went to play, the rules were pretty much the same. Almost everyone’s parents had the same standards and expectations. I don’t think this is true anymore. Not for my children and future generations anyway. Every family seems to have their own standards. Our children experience many versions of right and wrong. This is confusing to children. These changes in society are having an effect on the family-unit as a whole. Everything from how we discipline or children to how we empower them is being challenged. Old ways won’t work anymore. My parents’ “way of doing business” were simple solutions for a society with simple problems. I think it is more complicated today. I think refined solutions to parenting and efforts at preserving the family-unit are required. (Sal Severe, Ph.D. and author of “How to behave so your children will, too”)

For the sake of our children we need to get involved as veterans. We need to cope with the discomfort of all these home adversities and the times we live in. Becoming a Soldier, Airman, Seaman, or Marine means that some part of you was willing to sacrifice, take on the scary job, or do what others were too intimidated to do. Well, welcome to being a spouse and being a parent. It is scary. There are a lot of unknowns and it is not for the faint of heart. But, it is where the fight is. It is where you (all of us) are needed. Get into fight. If you want to throw some hand grenades and be a real difference maker: make dinner, do the dishes, change a diaper….

In summary, I believe that the family-unit is America’s CoG and I believe it is being threatened significantly. I have put my money where my mouth is. I have gone “Gold to Green.” I have given up my rank and status and climbed into the trenches because I believe it is important.

I believe whom parents actually were is less important than the memories and perceptions their child had of them.

I am not going to let this fight go uncontested. I hope you won’t either.

family

Shit Happens When You’re a Dad

This story only has one side…

“Good morning kiddos!”
“I love you too!”
“Well that’s an interesting dream, now go to the bathroom.”

What is that?  Is that shit?  

“Why are you naked? You can’t sit on the couch naked and watch a show. Come get dressed.”
“What do you want for breakfast?”… “No, you can’t have peanut butter and jelly sandwich.”… “Fine…stop crying, I’ll put PB&J on a waffle, how’s that?”

Did the baby just shit his pants? Damn, I just changed his diaper. “Come here Ben! You need another diaper.”

“Alright, let’s get shoes on.” … “Stop screaming, we’re going to the playground.” … “Sure we can go to that one.”
“Is everyone buckled in?”
“Sure, I’ll push you on the swing.”
“Tag! YOU’RE it!”
“Daddy needs a break.”
“Alright, timer’s set for 5 minutes.” … “Stop crying, what do you want for lunch?” … “No, we’re not having McDonald’s again.” … “You had PB&J for breakfast.”

I’m just going to make Hot Dogs, 20 seconds and they’re done. Damn, should’ve emptied the dishwasher earlier.

“Roll up your sleeves please.” … “Stop, you’re getting ketchup everywhere.” … “Ok, time for a show.”

Almost nap time, get lunch cleaned up and this show will be over, then it’ll be quiet and maybe I can sit my fat ass on the couch for a few.

“Why are you naked? Let’s get a pull-up on you.”

What did I just step on? Is that shit? Oh no, if that’s shit I’m holding it in my bare hands. Emily is looking at me like it’s shit. Only one way to find out…whew…wet cocoa puff.

“Get some rest sweetie.” … “I love you too.”
“Time to wake up babies!” … “Yes, we can play upstairs.”

12513865_10208251963000414_2145126624172371101_o Did he shit again? Yep.

“Come here Ben, you need a new diaper.”

What the fuck did he eat? Damn.

“Stay here kids, Daddy has to go to the bathroom.”

Oh, looks like Izzy took a shit and forgot to flush again…next time I’ll use my own bathroom.

“What’cha cooking babe?” … “Smells great!”
“She’s making dinner.” … “It does not smell disgusting Jonathan.”
“Izzy, stop jumping on the trampoline when Ben falls, you’re going to hurt him.”

Why does it smell like shit?

“Jonathan did you fart?” … “It’s not funny.” … “No, get away from me.” … “You’re going to poop your pants, go to the bathroom.” … “Now!”
“Alright, let’s clean up, dinner is ready!”

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… “Yes my love.”…“Sorry, forgot to roll up his sleeves, I’ll remember next time.”
“Is that so delicious Izzy?” … “You’re going to get it in your hair like that.”
“Jonathan, sit correctly, you’re going to fall…see? That’s why I tell you to sit correctly every night.” … “No it’s not the chair’s fault.”
“Alright, I’ll clean up.”

Well now I have to empty the dishwasher.

“Yes, I wiped everything down.” … “Sorry, forgot the oven. I’ll do it now.”

How many diapers do we have in this trashcan, damn it smells like shit.

“I’ll be right back, I have to use the bathroom.”

Did Izzy shit in my bathroom too? Damn! We really need to teach that girl to flush.

“Alright, time for bath!”
“Come here naked baby!” … “Yeah, they’re all running around naked.”
“HEY! In the tub! All of you!”
“Stop splashing, you’re getting me wet.”
“Right now you have to pee? Now that you’re all wet?”

Great, this’ll be fun to clean up.

“Alright, go to mommy and daddy’s room so we can get you dressed.” … “You’re cold because you threw your towel off and started running around naked.”
“Bring me a Dr. Seuss book.”… “thank you, thank you, Sam I am…Alright, go get in bed.”
“Goodnight my babies!”
“I love you too.”

12373403_680865735349660_6104761779956143192_n
“So you wanna get freaky now that they’re asleep?”… “Well, thought I’d ask.”
“Izzy left me a turd in both bathrooms today.”… “I know, the second one was the kicker, I’m still laughing.” … “Well she eats like a man, what do you expect?”
“What do you want to watch?” … “Want to watch another?”
“Love you too, goodnight.”





Warriors Who Do Violence

Being a warrior that does violence is different than being a violent man; a warrior has empathy.

All throughout history societies have looked to men who were willing to do violence and written their stories down.  Warriors have developed new and unique ways of fighting which we call art forms.  Entire cultures centered around their warriors: the Spartans, the Huns, the Samurai, the Maori, the Vikings, the Knights Templar, the list goes on.  In all ages, all regions, warriors have found their place among their fellow man.

I’ve come to believe that being a warrior comes as a predisposition, much like extroversion, You can train someone to be a soldier and do soldierly things, but only a few are actual warriors.

The warrior doesn’t fear death although he doesn’t yearn for it.  If it comes, so be it, but better it be the enemy.

The warrior can measure his violence, but ask him and he cannot identify the maximum amount of violence of which he is capable.

When doing violence, the warrior is concerned only with eliminating the threat.  He will not think about home or take the time to be afraid or sad.  He is singularly focused and as the threat increases, his self preservation instinct decreases.  If eliminating the threat requires his life then he will give it, if eliminating the threat requires he expose himself, then he will do it.

A warrior loves to do battle, but not against the weak, that is an act of a coward.

Finding someone predisposed to being a warrior is difficult, some even think they are until the threat presents itself and they come face to face with death.

 

Once a man discovers he is a warrior, once he has seen the world and the evil in it for what it really is, it is impossible to turn that off. Every situation, every environment, every moment he is analyzing threats, developing courses of action, and identifying weapons for his use.  Always.

When I was just a boy, my family went to Madrid, Spain for a new years celebration.  There were large crowds and I could tell my father was uncomfortable as he held my hand.  Most of the group we were with were happily enjoying their time when a man dropped his keys in between my father’s legs.  The man fell to his knees and started to feel around.  Dad’s hand squeezed mine tighter as he began to back up.  The drunk stood up, showed us his keys, and began to walk off when in an instant my father released my hand, grabbed the dude and slammed him violently against a nearby wall.  As he bounced off the wall, my father grabbed him by the neck and slammed him a second time yelling, “Where is my fucking wallet?”  The wallet flew out of the nearby crowd and landed at my father’s feet.

I remember distinctly the look of fear in the “drunk’s” eyes.  He was taller than my dad, but he wasn’t a warrior, and when he met the ferocity of one, fear penetrated his core. All night they had been pulling this scam, but only the warrior who is always thinking of potential threats identified it.

Realizing that you are a warrior is a paradigm shift.  You will never look at the world the same way again, and the overwhelming majority of the population doesn’t understand or see what you see.  Their prescription for your “problem” will always fail because they are trying to get you to see the world the way they do.  You are not them, you are different, accept that.

This does not give you carte blanche to act out, It takes more power and courage to show restraint than it does to be violent. Do not ignore what you feel and see, take control over it.  Don’t be too proud to seek help.

The only way to live in this world as a warrior is to be stronger than your urges, more powerful than your emotions, exert control over yourself, like a fucking warrior does.  Any weak minded fool can be loud and angry.