The Dark Night of the Soul- Part 1

This is the first part of two-part postings on suicide. The first part deals with a general introduction to the problem and the concept of risk and protective factors. The second part will address more intrapersonal, individual factors and possible options to find hope and relief. However, it is important to keep in mind this is a very complex subject that resists any attempt to quick fixes or easy solutions. We humbly approach this deadly subject with hopes at understanding it better and hopefully finding possible solutions.

The man in front of me was looking distressed and his words were coming out with great difficulty. He was a platoon SGT, with multiple combat deployments, and currently having problems with chronic pain, poor sleep, and depression. As we discussed his background and his military experience, something seemed not right. As we progressed in our interview, I asked him if something had occurred recently. He looked up to me and said, “Yesterday I found out one of my guys from my platoon in Afghanistan committed suicide, he was like a son to me”

For those of us in the military, these are sadly, common occurrences. We all know somebody or know of somebody, who has taken his life. The news is devastating. These men have been in combat, shared great dangers and adversities, and through it all, they survived and came home only to end their lives at their own hands.  We feel sad, powerless, angry, and we ask ourselves why?

It may be surprising to some, but there was a time in the past that suicide in the military was much lower (20% and more in some cases) than in the civilian population; in fact, being in the military used to be a protective factor. However, all of that began to change around 2004, and suicide rates have continued to rise and maintain at levels much higher that our civilians counterparts. By 2012, when we were still significantly involved in combat operations, more soldiers died by suicide than those killed in action, a very sobering fact. It does not take a genius to see that the rise in suicide rates corresponded to the onset of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars our longest wars to date. Yet, the statistical link between deployments and suicide is at best weak or non-existent, a fact that adds complexity to this issue.

There are hundreds of studies and millions of dollars spent in trying to find a solution, or even an understanding to this perplexing problem. One factor however, which seems significant is that suicide rates are much higher for those who separate early from the military or separate under less than honorable conditions. This fact alone, underlines the importance of transition issues, of losing connection with our brothers in arms, and of finding oneself lost in a world we do not seem to fit in very well and we do not seem to be well equipped to survive and thrive.

A significant line of research, mostly based on statistical and epidemiological studies of suicide populations, focuses on risk and protective factors; that is, what are the factors or elements that render a person more vulnerable or likely to commit suicide versus the factors that tend to protect the person from it. While this research is helpful and promising in many respects, if fails in two fundamental aspects. The first one is clearly linked to the weakness of correlational studies; that an association exist between to variables, does not implies causation, it only suggests a relationship ( that a rooster crows at sunrise does not mean that the sun makes the rooster crows).  The second one is similar, that while a set of factors may predict a likely behavior from a member of a given population, it can’t never predict the behavior of a specific member of that population. For example, risk factors may tell us that soldiers who display those factors have a higher likelihood to hurt themselves, but it cannot tell us that a specific soldier, SGT Smith will do so.

Nevertheless, risk and protective factors are place to start in helping us think more concretely about suicide and in ways to prevent it from occurring.  Here is a short list of those factors.

Risk and Protective Factors

 

Risk Factors    Protective  Factors
 

Mental disorders

Prior history of suicidal behavior

Personality Disorders

Personality Traits (anger, impulsivity)

Hopelessness

Substance Use

Stressful life events (loss of job, partner)

Lack of Social Support

Single/divorced

Cognitive Problems

Chronic illnesses (Pain, TBI, etc)

Demographics (white, male )

Access to lethal means

Family history of mental illness

History of childhood abuse/neglect

 

Social Support

Being Married

Religious affiliation

Character strengths

Life Satisfaction

Positive mood

Hope

Self-esteem

Meaning and purpose

Coping ability

Adaptability

Meaningfully employed.

Life goals

 

A quick look at this list may suggest some possible ways to minimize risk. Some factors are of course, impervious to change; we can’t alter our race and gender neither can we alter our lives’ histories. Who we are biologically, and what has happened to us, is determined and unchangeable. On the other hand, there are many factors we can change or modify which may enhance and enrich our lives and in doing so, protect us from self-destruction. Maintaining a sense of connection and belongings, fostering primary relationships, returning or coming to Faith, seeking professional help, taking care of our basic needs (employment, housing, etc) and developing life goals and purpose may be a place to start. There are no easy solutions, and even those actions we could take may not be completely under out control. Even our willingness, disposition and desire may be lacking. However, it is not the size of the problem, but the strength of our character that will carry the day; we need to believe that and commit ourselves to that ideal.

SPARTAN

 

 


Getting out of the military is hard!  Don’t make it harder on yourself by not being prepared!  Buy CONUS Battle Drills:  A Guide for Combat Veterans to Corporate Life, Parenthood, and Caging the Beast Inside!

What it’s REALLY like to ETS

Alright, if you’re still in uniform, then maybe you have some fantasies about what it’s going to be like when you ETS, i’m about to tell you the real God honest truth…

Step 1

If you are retiring, step 1 does not apply:

It all starts when you make the decision to get out and you inform your command.  You’re resolute, but they want to shake you, so all of a sudden everyone in your chain of command wants to be your best friend and sit down for a chat.    You also can’t refuse because they promise they won’t sign shit until you’ve sat down with all of them.  So begrudgingly you sit down and listen to all the reasons why getting out is a bad decision.

Step 2

It’s time to clear!  Now these motherfuckers get their revenge.  You want out?  You’re going to have to pass the mother of all obstacle courses, travel to thirty different locations in search of coveted stamps.  But you must get there while they’re open, still make it to formation, train your replacement, clean your gear, and be there to help your family move.  Good luck.

 

Step 3

Freedom!  Oh man, let me tell you, there are very few things that feel better in this world than the last time you drive off post clutching that stamped DD214.  It’s really hard to describe.  You remember how it felt when you started block leave after a deployment and the first sip of beer hit your lips?  That’s nothing compared to this.  I laughed for hours with a smile firmly affixed to my face.

 

Step 4

Starting your new life!  It’s time for a new and exciting career!  You’re elated to get on with life now that you have officially ETS’d.  The work feels easy in comparison to what you have been doing.  No need to get up at 5am, no uniforms, no duty, no weekend formations, no safety briefs, and no deployments.  You sleep in your bed every night and when you walk out of the office, work is left there.

Step 5

Then it happens…the monotony of daily life hits.  You’ve gotten fat because you haven’t been working out, so you have to get up at 5am to go workout at the gym.  Then you go into the office, sit in a cubicle and listen to people complain about their tedious jobs.  As you work your way through powerpoint, you imagine jumping from a plane, assaulting an objective, firing your weapon.  You remember the smell of the firing range and the pulse in your chest from explosions. You think about your buddies, usually the ones that didn’t make it home first, then the ones you don’t talk to nearly enough anymore.  Then it hits you, you can’t believe it, you miss the damn military…fuck.

Step 6

You have finally made peace.  You found a place in the world, an outlet for your energy, a source for your adrenaline cravings.  You’ve been promoted enough times at work that you’re making decisions now and affecting change.  You have reconnected with old buddies and even made some new ones.  You fill your days with stories of what once was, and think of new and unique ways to get in trouble.  Although you’re body is tired, your mind is strong and so you drive on.  You live for your family and find joy in serving someone or something.  Life is good again, and you miss the military…less.

 

-LJF

 

Getting out of the military is hard!  Don’t make it harder on yourself by not being prepared!  Buy CONUS Battle Drills:  A Guide for Combat Veterans to Corporate Life, Parenthood, and Caging the Beast Inside!

What it’s like to be Wealthy

I don’t generally follow the lives of celebrities, but the death of Prince has flooded my Facebook news feed, and as I read through articles about his life and untimely death, I actually felt sorry for him.  These celebrities are surrounded by vultures and parasites masquerading as friends. They fill their mansions with strange acquaintances and try to satiate the void in their lives with sex and drugs to no avail.  Saturday night, as I laid on my couch, I had an epiphany:  I am a very wealthy man.

I woke up Saturday with a daunting task.  We recently moved to be closer to my work, and we have a large storage unit that had to be emptied.  I rented a 16′ Budget truck and drove 50 miles to the storage.  On my way I got a call from a friend who recently returned from deployment.  We talked for almost the entire drive, about his deployment, our kids, and even about CONUS Battle Drills.

When I got to the storage unit, I posted a pic on Facebook and asked if anyone in the Fort Bragg area could come and help.  Within 3 minutes of the post, and old college buddy of mine asked for the address and drove 30 minutes out of his way to help.  A few hours later when we had the van loaded up, he volunteered to drive 90 minutes out of his way to help me unload as well.  When we were done, we sat in my garage and drank a beer to celebrate the task being complete.

Not long after that, I messaged a buddy of mine from Iraq.  He’s going through a tough divorce and I wanted to check up on him.  My heart broke for him and everything he’s going through.  I said a prayer and returned the rental truck.

It was right around dinner time when I got a phone call from my first platoon sergeant back when I was a cherry 2LT in the 82nd Airborne.  He wanted to tell me that he was going to be a Command Sergeant Major for the 10th mountain!  My whole family celebrated with him over the phone.

After dinner I laid on the couch while my three kids piled on top of me to watch some cartoons before their bath time.  It was there, in one of the most precious of moments holding my kids, that I realized just how wealthy I really am.

I don’t own a multi-million dollar mansion.  I don’t have an expensive car.  I don’t own a yacht, and I live on a budget.  I don’t have a lot of “stuff”, but I am incredibly wealthy.

I am friends with some of the greatest men this country has ever produced.  Warriors, real heroes, men whom books are written about, and they call me to celebrate and mourn?  I am undeserving of such an honor.  I am undeserving of so many blessings God has chosen to bestow upon me, but I am ever so grateful to Him.

Are you living your life like a celebrity?  Moving from one shallow relationship to another, filling your life with strip clubs and alcohol?  Because let me tell you something, if you have served this country, then you have walked among giants, and those men call you brother.  You have great wealth at your fingertips, if you’re ready to recognize it.

-LJF

Getting out of the military is hard!  Don’t make it harder on yourself by not being prepared!  Buy CONUS Battle Drills:  A Guide for Combat Veterans to Corporate Life, Parenthood, and Caging the Beast Inside!

Why the headhunter won’t work with you

I can’t stress enough the importance of having a headhunter in order to get a job.  Unless you already know someone in the company you’re applying with, as much as they like to tell you otherwise, monster.com isn’t going to get you the job.  You have to get a headhunter, more on that here.

I spoke to a friend of mine, Eddie, that works as a headhunter for Lucas Group.  I’m not getting paid to say this, I just honestly believe they are the best firm out there. If you’re talking to someone else, I recommend you give Lucas Group a call, they’ll work with Officers and NCO’s alike, but there are some people they won’t work with.  So here’s an hour long conversation about a candidate they won’t work with given to you in 700 words…

“You must have the right attitude”

I’ve said this before, and I discuss it in great detail in the book, but you are starting a new career and you need to realize that.  Look, I don’t care if you were a Brigade Commander in the military, you don’t know anything about my business.  If you think that you’re better than my team because you wore a uniform, then you don’t belong on my team.

You need to come out of the military with some humility.  You can be proud of what you did, and you should be, but if that pride makes you look down on others that didn’t, then you’re going to have a tough time and i’m not going to hire you.  Tell me instead that you don’t have a problem starting at the bottom.  Say, “It’s an opportunity to learn about the business and I’m confident my skills will get me promoted quickly.”  Bam!  That’s what I want on my team!

 

The right combination of “shuns”

“You have to have the right combination of the 3 ‘shuns’: Location, compensation, occupation.  If you tell me ‘I want to be a program manager in west chicago and make $120k a year,’ I’m going to say ‘good luck.'”  

You need to have realistic expectations of what kind of job you can find when you get out.  There was a boot shop in Fort Bragg that had a sign that read, “we do 3 types of work: Good, fast, and cheap.  Pick any two.”  That saying is very similar to what you need to consider in your job hunt.

Location

“I can’t tell you how many times i’ve heard, ‘I need to stay in Dallas, my girlfriend is from there.’ Then I have to take my recruiter hat off and put on my life coach hat…”

Location is the 3rd question of the big 4 questions, go read more about that here.  Although there are occasionally good reasons to limit yourself geographically like a special needs child or a sick family member, generally you should consider a wider net.

Compensation

“I had a guy tell me, ‘well with BAH, Flight Pay, and Jump Pay i’m making about $130k a year, so I expect to make something commensurate to that.’ With a history degree? There’s no way.”

You need to be realistic about what you’re going to make.  That’s one of the reasons why finances are the 1st of the big 4 questions. You are going to take a pay cut, just wrap your mind around that.  Plan to live off your base pay and understand what that means to your budget.  This way, if you get a job higher than your base pay, you’ll have extra spending money.  Don’t worry, I have the utmost confidence that if you want it, you’ll be able to get promoted quickly above and beyond your peers. More on finances here and here.

Occupation

“I have guys tell me that they only want to do program manager jobs.  Dude, you don’t even know what’s out there and what you’re qualified for.”

The 4th big question is to understand what you want to do, and i’ve explicitly said “lead people” is an acceptable answer.  It is important for you to want to do something that you find interesting, but you should keep your mind open to possibilities that you might not have considered.

“If the alarm goes off in the morning and your feet don’t immediately hit the floor, you have a job not a career and there’s very little compensation or location that is going to make up for you being miserable 40, 50, or 60 hours a week.”

So basically if you’ve read the book or follow the blog, chances are you’re going to get a headhunter to work with you because you’re not going to make those mistakes right?  I’ll close with one final quote:

“The biggest obstacle in these guys’ career is themselves.”

-LJF