Tag: relationships

Why People Like Me Commit Suicide

A few days ago I received the message below from a former NCO.  I had no idea the impact I had in his life simply by being there for him when he needed it.  I am sharing this with his permission…

My name is Steve Meyers and I would like to start a discussion about, why people like me commit suicide. You see, I am a combat veteran with PTSD. I am no longer close with my family and I don’t have a lot of friends. Which means, I have almost nobody to talk to.

I have been depressed more than once in my life. Each time, it gets harder to pull myself out of it. When you are depressed it is easy to think nobody cares, maybe nobody would notice you were gone, and the worst, maybe they are better off without me. Those are the thoughts that hurt the most and they kill people like me. I wanted to talk about that. The number one reason people like me commit suicide, is relationships or more specifically their lack of relationships.

People like to think the loss of a single relationship is the reason someone commits suicide. No, it was just the last relationship that was worth living for. We rarely like to ask, what happened to all of the other deep and meaningful relationships? We know the answer. We neglected them and we let the relationship die.

We didn’t do it all at once. It wasn’t an immediate break-up. It happened slowly over time. It starts when you are away from each other. You see the other person less, so you talk with them less. As the amount of interaction time decreases, so does the number of things you share. Which means you have less of those bonding moments. Those shared experiences and the things that kept you emotionally close. This is how you grow apart.

When I was living in Germany, nobody told me my grandmother had died. They all thought someone else had told me. I found out she was gone when I was home on leave after I said I was going to go visit her. Finding out that way, meant I was forced to grieve all on my own, at a memorial attended by only one person, me.

Over time, the emotional distance with my family has increased. We have less frequent deep and meaningful conversations. So, I want people to learn from my story. I want everyone to know the secret to maintaining a close relationship is just staying in regular contact. When you stay in regular contact you have more opportunities to share, to have those shared experiences with each other. The ability to confide in one another and to know what’s going on. If you find yourself going down the lonely path of isolation, and you want to revitalize those dying relationships, you need to be in regular contact.

People in general tend to trust people with what they think those people can handle. So, if I can trust you with a small secret, there is a chance I can trust you with a medium- sized secret. However, if I cannot trust you with a medium-sized secret, then I definitely will not tell you about the big secrets.

This is why most people self-censor while serving in a combat zone. I did it and now, I am paying the cost of my actions. I thought I was protecting my family by not telling them I was doing dangerous missions. I knew they would have a hard time knowing I was in mortal danger on a regular basis. So, I didn’t tell them. I pretended everything was okay. Now, I can’t talk to them about things like that. If you are not going to trust them with small pieces of bad news, you will never feel okay with trusting them with the stuff of your nightmares.

I was raised by a single mother. I grew up on welfare and lived in subsidized low- income housing. My mom worries about the family every day. I have seen her blank stare while she spins the ring on her finger. While she runs through all of the terrible scenarios in her head. I have seen her become racked with anxiety over bad news. Which is why I do not talk to her about the really bad things. I don’t know if she can handle it.

I got to know my father when I was in high school. I love my dad even though him and I have never really been close. He has always been a sensitive person, who tends to insulate himself from others. It is how he protects himself. Half of the time when I call he chooses to let the phone ring. When I manage to get him on the phone he almost always says he is in the middle of something and I get the impression he wants to end the call quickly. We don’t talk about the really bad stuff.

I am the eldest of 5. When I left home at age 20 I told myself that I was going to help my family escape poverty. I was going to learn how to be successful and come home and teach my family how to become successful. Over the last 20+ years my siblings and I invested very little time into our relationship and we have grown apart. Today, I am now little more than a stranger to them. I have reached out to them several times in hopes of rebuilding a relationship, but my reality today is so different than theirs. So, our conversations are awkward. Sometimes I think I should just quit trying.

I was really close with my uncle and used to seek his opinion on most things. He was the executor of my estate. He was one of the few people I trusted with the full truth. Last year his wife posted something on Facebook and I called her out for it. Now, him and I only seem to talk when she is not around.

Last week I was in Washington staying in someone’s guest room. My girlfriend was sleeping on the air mattress next to me. I cried for over an hour, until I finally fell asleep. It took me a week to tell her why, and I took a big risk telling her. You see, when a man is vulnerable and weak around a woman, she loses respect for him. Women that lose respect for their man leave. They leave. I really don’t want to be more isolated that I already am, but I need to talk to someone. So, I took the risk.

Opening up to people about PTSD is a very scary thing because it has such a harsh stigma. People automatically think you are a mad man, forever damaged, and a danger to society. They make fear-based decisions that change almost everything about how they interact with you, and you can tell.

When I was going through something emotionally heavy while in the military, my Army buddies were there for me. Now, that I am out of the military they are still the ones I can turn to them for things I cannot go to anyone else for. There is a reason why I can pick up the phone and talk with them and it will seem as if we were never far apart. There is a reason why it hits us so hard when we hear they died. It hurts even more when it was by their own hands. The reason is simple, we are a lot alike and if it can happen to them, it can happen to me.

Before you get too excited, I am not suicidal and I have no intention of harming myself, but there was a time after my wife died when I had plans to kill myself. Which is why I would like to publicly thank Louis Fernandez for being there when I was struggling to find a reason to live.

I have seen a lot of Facebook posts where people will say “call me if you need anything”. I would like them to stop. It’s a hollow phrase meant to ease your own personal guilt. If someone you care about needs help. Help them. Don’t wait for them to ask for help. Imagine you see someone hanging from the edge of a cliff. You don’t tell them to reach up and grab your hand. No. It’s too risky. There is a high likelihood they will fall. You reach down, grab them, and pull them up. You have to take action. That’s how you save them. Telling someone a hollow phrase doesn’t help. Stop doing it. Get involved.

If the things in this message resonate with you, join the discussion. Online comments and shares help to spread the message, but the offline conversations are what we really need. If you need to start it by sending a meme, a text message, or even a post card. Do it. Talk to them. Have those conversations. More than 20 veterans a day commit suicide. Just talk with them, it really is that simple. Just talk with them. That’s how you stop suicides.

I’d like to publicly thank Steve for his courage in posting this message.

-LJF

 

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For the love of sheep?

“Tend my sheep.”
-John 21

Ever wonder why there seems to be so much tension between veterans and civilians?

Just scroll through some of the comments posted on “when a civilian says” memes and you will see just how real and deep that tensions run.

I do NOT believe that veterans are the sole party to blame for the rift between veterans and civilians but I will say that I think it is mainly our fault.  Admittedly, I hold veterans to a higher standard.  Maybe I am old school when I think that being a “quiet professional” actually means first being a “professional” at something and you don’t “beat your own chest” and seek out favors, attention, or credit.

The purpose of this post is to challenge veterans to think differently about civilians in general so that you may live among them better and maybe even grow to respect them.  In order to that, I am going to revisit the popular analogy of Sheep, Sheepdogs, and Wolves by LTC Dave Grossman, U.S. Armed (ret), to help make my point.

LTC Grossman describes the average civilian as sheep, military personnel and police officers as sheepdogs, and those that threaten our way of life as wolves. His analogy has turned into a widely embraced description in the Law Enforcement and military communities. Police and Veterans wear the ‘sheepdog’ title like a badge of honor (most of the time, they deserve too).

In an era when ‘over valorizing’ veterans is a legit discussion, it is even more important for us to look a little deeper into this topic. Sheepdogs are, as we all know, a part of the canine family. Which means by simple genetic make up they are more like the wolves than the sheep. They are more like the attacker than they are with the ones they are defending!

So what would be the ‘thing’ that differentiates the two animals? I suggest that the only practical difference is “domestication.” Both dog and wolf might salivate at the sight of a grazing animal and see it as a potential meal but only one will act out on that instinct, the other will deny its carnal desire.

I left the service and went into agriculture as mentioned in earlier blogs. On my small family farm every animal has its place. Each animal serves a specific purpose or it is removed. So, for me, it is very simple. If I have a certain livestock, such as cattle or sheep, on my farm, they are the “producers” that everything else revolves around. Dogs (sheepdogs, canines, etc.) are additions to that “producing” endeavor.  They are a support element, not a ‘”pet.”  All the animals are fed, housed, and loved the same…..for doing different, particular, and necessary jobs.

Protective dogs are intended to watch over the livestock and run off any potential attacker to the herd, flock, or whatever. They are NOT superior in any way (despite my own endearment of them) and they do not have free reign to do as they wish. I am confident that any farmer or rancher would say that he or she would put down “any” dog on their farm that attacked their livestock. It is unacceptable behavior.

Thus, a well domesticated dog, understands its role and place on the farm. That particular dog or dogs has the discipline to resist certain instincts (the same that the wolf has) to harm the ‘sheep.’ To the point where that dog will do battle against the wolves or any other outside animal that threatens the herd.

Military personnel and police offers must realize that we are not above the sheep/civilians we protect. In fact, the opposite is true. They are the ‘thing’ of worth in our country. They are the ‘producers,’ not us. We have a role to play for sure and it is a noble one! We are intended to stop and remove threats so that they can go on producing. Respect their role as much as your own.

As for those of you who are like me, who have left the military or the police force to become civilians yourself; take a second longer to realize that you aren’t in your previous role anymore. Sure, you can talk about your glory days and how you ‘were’ different but your mental energy will probably be better spent getting to know your new family and communicating with them. It is time for you to ‘produce’ something other than ‘defense’ and if you want to do that efficiently then you might want to eat some humble pie and learn from those who have been doing it already.

I would challenge veterans and suggest that if you embrace your new fleece and understand the importance of their role and your new role in our ‘herd of countrymen’ you might actually grow to love them.

As for you civilians who are reading this: manage your expectations of veterans. We will always have a slightly different walk and attitude about us. We are all trying hard to be a part of the fold but it doesn’t always come so naturally for us.

I struggle with loving civilians myself sometimes. But reminding myself of little things like the fact that my wife, daughter, and son are civilians/sheep helps bring it home for me. My wife is tougher than I am in so many ways and I am still proudly learning how to be a better me, from her, to this day.

-CWS

 

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Never Surrender

Since I started CONUS Battle Drills I’ve had many people send me resume’s to review, ask me tips on handling headhunters and recruiters, and even helped proofread some college papers, but I was really unprepared for the conversation I had last night (even though I probably should have been).

A battle buddy of mine that I used to serve with gave me a call to talk about a friend of his that is getting out of the army (Let’s call him John).  John suffered a combat injury that has left him with chronic pain, and that pain has led to many more issues to include substance abuse, marital problems, and depression.  John is also getting out of the Army soon and doesn’t seem to have a plan for what he wants to do.  My battle buddy gave me an open-ended question asking for advice on how to handle this situation or what advice to give to his friend.

Now if you follow this page at all, you should have noted that John is on the path noted in Dark Night of the Soul and is exhibiting many of the risk factors for suicide.  If John doesn’t make some changes, there is a very good chance he is going to become another statistic and through his surrender, another family is going to be broken.

risk factors

 

If you’ve read the book, then you know that one of the objectives of CONUS Battle Drills is to prepare guys in such a way that they can address some of these risk factors and get on the path to healing and success.  I am not qualified to help John through many of his problems, and neither is my battle buddy, but together we are the first line of defense and can get him the real, professional help that he needs.

Surrender

My heart breaks for guys like John, but he is surrendering.  It’s easier to get up and ring the bell during hell week than to continue to suffer.  It’s easier to quit in mountain phase of ranger school than to endure another two months of pain.  It’s easier to drop out in selection than to continue to roll in the log pit filling your pockets with vomit.  The hard part, and the part that makes it all worthwhile, is to fight on, push past your limits and succeed in your goal.

Gentlemen, getting drunk and high, divorcing your wife, losing your job, that’s surrender.  You know what’s hard?  Fighting an addiction, repairing a marriage and building trust, getting promoted, even apologizing.  I’m not going to marginalize John’s problems, however, and just say that a change in attitude is going to fix everything because it’s not, but he needs to make a commitment mentally to get off the path of least resistance, get back on azimuth, and start working towards what is important in order to find healing and satisfaction.

What is Important to You?

The second big question is to understand why you are getting out.  We have explored that extensively and even argued about whether that needs to be the first big question instead of the second.  Understanding what is important to you is very similar to the why because it becomes the overarching goal in which all other smaller goals will fall.

Using my earlier examples, the guys who eventually earn the SEAL Trident, Ranger Tab, or Special Forces Tab went to that school with the mental attitude that no matter what, they were going to achieve that goal, but they also compartmentalized their problems and challenges and created a series of small goals that were attainable that fed into the overall goal:  Pass the PT test, don’t fall out of the run, find the next point in land nav, get over this obstacle, don’t quit.  Even though surrender was an option at every turn, they avoided it because it didn’t fit into their overall goal.

So let me ask the question, What is most Important to You in Life?  Think about everything that you could lose, which of those things would be the absolute worst?  To me, it’s my family.  I can lose my job, my house, all my things, but all of those can be replaced, my family can’t.  Therefore every action I take, every decision I make, I ask myself whether or not that action or decision is helping to preserve that which matters most to me.  If the answer is “no” then I need to correct my course, get off the path to surrender, and move back towards my objective.

Paying the Small Debts First

I’m a big fan of Dave Ramsey and his Financial Peace University.  In many cases of soldiers that I work with, financial strife is the first problem that they face and things snowball from there.  Dave Ramsey gives counseling every day to people sometimes hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, and his advice always starts with paying the small debts first.  This gives us the opportunity to take some weight out of our rucksacks a little at a time, develop good habits, and prepare us to take on the biggest monsters because the ankle biters have been taken care of and we can laser focus on the bigger issues.

In John’s case, however, finances have become a symptom or a consequence of his initial injury that drove his addiction.  Now he’s facing a major life change by getting out with no job, no career goals, and no focus.  This is compounding problems in his marriage, making him want to quit.  In John’s case, finding a job is his smallest debt.

Let me put it this way:  John isn’t going to wake up tomorrow and not have pain.  He isn’t going to wake up and not have an addiction.  He isn’t going to wake up and not have any problems in his marriage.  There is no action he can take today to make those problems go away.  In fact, he will be fighting those battles for many years to come, BUT he can wake up tomorrow and have a job!  He can take a single action this afternoon and tomorrow wake up with a career; it’s a small victory and one he certainly needs in his life right now.

John also needs to get off the path of surrender and do the hard task of asking for professional help with his addiction, managing his pain, and repairing his marriage.  Gentlemen, going to a mental health professional doesn’t make you weak.  It’s hard to admit that you need help, the mistake is thinking you can do it alone.

Conclusion

I know a lot of you are suffering like John is, and too many of our brothers out there are quitting life because they can’t handle the enormity of their problems.  I want you to know that there is help, there is healing, and you are not alone.  One of the pillars of my strength come from God, and I encourage you to seek Him out.  Even if you don’t believe, joining a men’s group where you can talk openly with other men facing the same problems will give you great strength just like your battle buddy did in combat.  Please don’t surrender, there are people in this world that are counting on you, and to them what you have done in your life makes you their hero.  You can do this and there are people that can help.

God Bless every one of you!

-LJF

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Abundant Toxic Leadership

I used to think that the military, with its rigid caste structure and virtually guaranteed promotion rates for officers was particularly suited for the megalomaniacal personality that is germane to toxic leadership.  Now that I’ve had years in the civilian world, I’ve come to find that toxic leadership is actually the norm.

Ask any Soldier, Airman, Seaman or Marine…

Ask anyone who has served in the military if they have ever experienced a toxic leader, then sit down because it’s going to be a while.  My experience was in the Army, and I can tell you that we felt the wrath of self-serving senior leadership so much that it became it’s own joke:  The Big Green Weenie.

The Army has a way of screwing you over that is so powerful and personal, a lesser man would be broken by it, but soldiers are not lesser men.  They manage to find a way to survive through it.  Some are particularly strong willed and make the decision to stay and become a better leader than they received, most just get out.

Recently I spoke with a friend who is getting deployed in a few months.  The Army is changing its command and control structure and their unit is facing an 18 month deployment to Kuwait without combat pay.  Think about how many levels of leadership this decision had to go through, but no one stopped it.  No one spoke up that this was unnecessary and unconscionable.  Bottom line is, they don’t care about the soldier.

I’ve seen toxic leadership first hand when a company commander used an incorrect codeword while our unit was on DRF (2 hour recall) and we all thought we were about to make a jump into some combat environment.  I watched soldiers hugging their children at 4am in the parking lot, then turn in their cell phones, only to find out it was all a drill.  When I confronted the commander about it, as his XO, I was reprimanded.  He didn’t care about the company of men he was leading, he cared that he could add a bullet to his OER.

Identifying Toxic Leadership

As I have slowly matured over the years (very slowly), I have learned to study the toxic leader instead of getting angry, and impart lessons to their peers, subordinates, and leaders in the hopes that behaviors can be eliminated.  Just today I heard about a leader who denied all overtime pay to an employee that only worked 47.5 hours instead of the arbitrarily assigned 48 hour minimum.  There is no company policy that says you must work a minimum of 48 hours to get paid for any of them, so this must be something he has decided to implement.  After I heard the story,I thought about the short-sightedness of this particular leader.  What was more valuable?  Paying this man 7.5 hours of overtime, or saving John Deere the few hundred dollars?  By saving the company a minuscule amount, he totally eradicated any possible clout for this employee (and all others that may hear the story) and the employee is sure to give minimum effort for this boss in the future.  That leader showed he doesn’t care about the individual.

The problem is that the toxic leader is usually unaware that they are a problem.  Many of them have “studied” leadership extensively, and in my own unscientific observation, there is an inverse relationship between the number of John C. Maxwell books on a shelf and the quality of the leader. Here’s an easy test to determine if you are one of those people that is a problem:

  1. What is more valuable to you, a “good job” from your boss or your subordinates?
  2. When a problem occurs, do you think first how to fix it or who to blame?
  3. When you look back at your career, what are you most proud of?  Personal success or your subordinate’s success?
  4. Do you believe fear is a powerful motivator?
  5. Do you take the time to know the people that work for you?  Do you know their families? Their goals?  Their hobbies?

If praise from your boss means more to you, if you always look to assign blame, if your personal success is most important, if you believe fear is a powerful motivator, and you don’t know your subordinates, YOU ARE A TOXIC LEADER.

I’m just going to tell you, because no one else will:  Your subordinates hate you, many would really love their jobs if it wasn’t for you.  People have changed careers, uprooted their families, and took pay cuts because they would rather do all that than work for you.  You are not better than anyone else, in fact, you have been promoted further than you deserve because you like to kiss ass. You should not be in charge of anyone.  You haven’t been passed over for promotion unfairly and you do not deserve any more responsibility.

Is your subordinate Toxic to your organization?

There are some of you that are good leaders, but have subordinate leaders that are toxic and don’t even know it (Let me just say, if you know that a subordinate is a terrible leader and you leave him or her in that position, you are just as at fault for the stress, pain, and cost that the toxic leader causes, and you are a coward).  So i’m going to give you some tips in order to identify these people.

  • You are looking for someone that places the organization above their subordinates.
  • You are looking for someone that has no trouble accepting praise and rarely gives anyone else credit.
  • Ask them what they think of their peers, if they have mostly negative things to say, then you likely have a toxic leader.
  • When something goes wrong, see if they tell you who was at fault or if they focus instead on how to fix the problem.  See how easy it is for them to answer the question about who was at fault.
  • Talk to their subordinates.  If you’re a leader that’s worth a damn, then you should already be doing this.

Someone who doesn’t care about employees who is in a leadership position is like a nuclear bomb to morale.  These people negatively influence not only their own teams, but adjacent units as well.  Their mere presence reduces productivity, and drives away your best leaders.

If you care at all for the people working for you, you will actively hunt down any toxic members and eliminate them from your team.  If you don’t want to do that…well…you’re the problem.

-LJF

Getting out of the military is hard!  Don’t make it harder on yourself by not being prepared!  Buy CONUS Battle Drills:  A Guide for Combat Veterans to Corporate Life, Parenthood, and Caging the Beast Inside!