Tag: SEAL

Never Surrender

Since I started CONUS Battle Drills I’ve had many people send me resume’s to review, ask me tips on handling headhunters and recruiters, and even helped proofread some college papers, but I was really unprepared for the conversation I had last night (even though I probably should have been).

A battle buddy of mine that I used to serve with gave me a call to talk about a friend of his that is getting out of the army (Let’s call him John).  John suffered a combat injury that has left him with chronic pain, and that pain has led to many more issues to include substance abuse, marital problems, and depression.  John is also getting out of the Army soon and doesn’t seem to have a plan for what he wants to do.  My battle buddy gave me an open-ended question asking for advice on how to handle this situation or what advice to give to his friend.

Now if you follow this page at all, you should have noted that John is on the path noted in Dark Night of the Soul and is exhibiting many of the risk factors for suicide.  If John doesn’t make some changes, there is a very good chance he is going to become another statistic and through his surrender, another family is going to be broken.

risk factors

 

If you’ve read the book, then you know that one of the objectives of CONUS Battle Drills is to prepare guys in such a way that they can address some of these risk factors and get on the path to healing and success.  I am not qualified to help John through many of his problems, and neither is my battle buddy, but together we are the first line of defense and can get him the real, professional help that he needs.

Surrender

My heart breaks for guys like John, but he is surrendering.  It’s easier to get up and ring the bell during hell week than to continue to suffer.  It’s easier to quit in mountain phase of ranger school than to endure another two months of pain.  It’s easier to drop out in selection than to continue to roll in the log pit filling your pockets with vomit.  The hard part, and the part that makes it all worthwhile, is to fight on, push past your limits and succeed in your goal.

Gentlemen, getting drunk and high, divorcing your wife, losing your job, that’s surrender.  You know what’s hard?  Fighting an addiction, repairing a marriage and building trust, getting promoted, even apologizing.  I’m not going to marginalize John’s problems, however, and just say that a change in attitude is going to fix everything because it’s not, but he needs to make a commitment mentally to get off the path of least resistance, get back on azimuth, and start working towards what is important in order to find healing and satisfaction.

What is Important to You?

The second big question is to understand why you are getting out.  We have explored that extensively and even argued about whether that needs to be the first big question instead of the second.  Understanding what is important to you is very similar to the why because it becomes the overarching goal in which all other smaller goals will fall.

Using my earlier examples, the guys who eventually earn the SEAL Trident, Ranger Tab, or Special Forces Tab went to that school with the mental attitude that no matter what, they were going to achieve that goal, but they also compartmentalized their problems and challenges and created a series of small goals that were attainable that fed into the overall goal:  Pass the PT test, don’t fall out of the run, find the next point in land nav, get over this obstacle, don’t quit.  Even though surrender was an option at every turn, they avoided it because it didn’t fit into their overall goal.

So let me ask the question, What is most Important to You in Life?  Think about everything that you could lose, which of those things would be the absolute worst?  To me, it’s my family.  I can lose my job, my house, all my things, but all of those can be replaced, my family can’t.  Therefore every action I take, every decision I make, I ask myself whether or not that action or decision is helping to preserve that which matters most to me.  If the answer is “no” then I need to correct my course, get off the path to surrender, and move back towards my objective.

Paying the Small Debts First

I’m a big fan of Dave Ramsey and his Financial Peace University.  In many cases of soldiers that I work with, financial strife is the first problem that they face and things snowball from there.  Dave Ramsey gives counseling every day to people sometimes hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, and his advice always starts with paying the small debts first.  This gives us the opportunity to take some weight out of our rucksacks a little at a time, develop good habits, and prepare us to take on the biggest monsters because the ankle biters have been taken care of and we can laser focus on the bigger issues.

In John’s case, however, finances have become a symptom or a consequence of his initial injury that drove his addiction.  Now he’s facing a major life change by getting out with no job, no career goals, and no focus.  This is compounding problems in his marriage, making him want to quit.  In John’s case, finding a job is his smallest debt.

Let me put it this way:  John isn’t going to wake up tomorrow and not have pain.  He isn’t going to wake up and not have an addiction.  He isn’t going to wake up and not have any problems in his marriage.  There is no action he can take today to make those problems go away.  In fact, he will be fighting those battles for many years to come, BUT he can wake up tomorrow and have a job!  He can take a single action this afternoon and tomorrow wake up with a career; it’s a small victory and one he certainly needs in his life right now.

John also needs to get off the path of surrender and do the hard task of asking for professional help with his addiction, managing his pain, and repairing his marriage.  Gentlemen, going to a mental health professional doesn’t make you weak.  It’s hard to admit that you need help, the mistake is thinking you can do it alone.

Conclusion

I know a lot of you are suffering like John is, and too many of our brothers out there are quitting life because they can’t handle the enormity of their problems.  I want you to know that there is help, there is healing, and you are not alone.  One of the pillars of my strength come from God, and I encourage you to seek Him out.  Even if you don’t believe, joining a men’s group where you can talk openly with other men facing the same problems will give you great strength just like your battle buddy did in combat.  Please don’t surrender, there are people in this world that are counting on you, and to them what you have done in your life makes you their hero.  You can do this and there are people that can help.

God Bless every one of you!

-LJF

Getting out of the military is hard!  Don’t make it harder on yourself by not being prepared!  Buy CONUS Battle Drills:  A Guide for Combat Veterans to Corporate Life, Parenthood, and Caging the Beast Inside!

Warriors Who Do Violence

Being a warrior that does violence is different than being a violent man; a warrior has empathy.

All throughout history societies have looked to men who were willing to do violence and written their stories down.  Warriors have developed new and unique ways of fighting which we call art forms.  Entire cultures centered around their warriors: the Spartans, the Huns, the Samurai, the Maori, the Vikings, the Knights Templar, the list goes on.  In all ages, all regions, warriors have found their place among their fellow man.

I’ve come to believe that being a warrior comes as a predisposition, much like extroversion, You can train someone to be a soldier and do soldierly things, but only a few are actual warriors.

The warrior doesn’t fear death although he doesn’t yearn for it.  If it comes, so be it, but better it be the enemy.

The warrior can measure his violence, but ask him and he cannot identify the maximum amount of violence of which he is capable.

When doing violence, the warrior is concerned only with eliminating the threat.  He will not think about home or take the time to be afraid or sad.  He is singularly focused and as the threat increases, his self preservation instinct decreases.  If eliminating the threat requires his life then he will give it, if eliminating the threat requires he expose himself, then he will do it.

A warrior loves to do battle, but not against the weak, that is an act of a coward.

Finding someone predisposed to being a warrior is difficult, some even think they are until the threat presents itself and they come face to face with death.

 

Once a man discovers he is a warrior, once he has seen the world and the evil in it for what it really is, it is impossible to turn that off. Every situation, every environment, every moment he is analyzing threats, developing courses of action, and identifying weapons for his use.  Always.

When I was just a boy, my family went to Madrid, Spain for a new years celebration.  There were large crowds and I could tell my father was uncomfortable as he held my hand.  Most of the group we were with were happily enjoying their time when a man dropped his keys in between my father’s legs.  The man fell to his knees and started to feel around.  Dad’s hand squeezed mine tighter as he began to back up.  The drunk stood up, showed us his keys, and began to walk off when in an instant my father released my hand, grabbed the dude and slammed him violently against a nearby wall.  As he bounced off the wall, my father grabbed him by the neck and slammed him a second time yelling, “Where is my fucking wallet?”  The wallet flew out of the nearby crowd and landed at my father’s feet.

I remember distinctly the look of fear in the “drunk’s” eyes.  He was taller than my dad, but he wasn’t a warrior, and when he met the ferocity of one, fear penetrated his core. All night they had been pulling this scam, but only the warrior who is always thinking of potential threats identified it.

Realizing that you are a warrior is a paradigm shift.  You will never look at the world the same way again, and the overwhelming majority of the population doesn’t understand or see what you see.  Their prescription for your “problem” will always fail because they are trying to get you to see the world the way they do.  You are not them, you are different, accept that.

This does not give you carte blanche to act out, It takes more power and courage to show restraint than it does to be violent. Do not ignore what you feel and see, take control over it.  Don’t be too proud to seek help.

The only way to live in this world as a warrior is to be stronger than your urges, more powerful than your emotions, exert control over yourself, like a fucking warrior does.  Any weak minded fool can be loud and angry.



Pain is Weakness Leaving the Body

The best soldiers are those who are able to deal with large amounts of pain and keep moving forward.  Anyone with a tab or a trident will tell you that your mind will give up long before your body will.  You can handle the pain, you just need to know that you can handle it.

I’ve seen a man shot in the face and keep fighting, I’ve seen amputees finishing marathons, and I’ve seen countless men finish 20 mile ruck marches in bloody boots.  It’s the mental drive, the decision that quitting is not an option, that allows you to push your body to the extreme and accomplish great feats.

What we often forget is that when the mission is over, you go get fixed.  The mission called for it and you heroically ignored your own wounds to expose yourself again and again to enemy fire, sustaining multiple wounds, but now the mission is over, and you need to get those wounds addressed.  That’s easy to figure out when you have a bullet hole in your face.

But what do we do when those wounds are emotional?  Too many of us keep pretending that the mission is ongoing.  It’s important in battle to be stoic, to be able to see horrific things and move along to accomplish the mission, but if you keep that up forever, you’re never going to heal.  I’m not saying you’re broken or that you need to go see some shrink because your feelings hurt, but you need to expose those demons to the light.

Here’s what I want you to do: In the next 48 hours from when you read this, go find a buddy that has been in combat as well.  Find someone that you really trust (we all have at least one guy), maybe he was there with you, maybe not, but get in touch.  Have a beer and tell some war stories, but not just the fun ones, but the tough ones as well.

Just talk.

Some of you might actually need some real therapy, so this is not a substitute for that.  For the rest of us who are generally functioning members of society but sometimes want to smack stupid motherfuckers in the face in the office, this is for us.

It may be exactly what your buddy needs too.

 

-LJF